Concrete Jungle Wet Dream Tomato.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Tonight is slowly turning into one of those nights where my mind races at a million miles a minute and I end up starting the following day exhausted and cranky (exhibit A: It's 3:10am.) My mind is in a weird mood for many reasons but something is definitely weighing pretty heavily.

Today on the way to work I was in my typical,resting bitch face, staring off into space mode when the train decided to do it's usual stop mid-journey to hover between two stations and make me late for work thing that it always does at the most inconvenient of times. The longer we sat, the more annoyed I got and after a good five minutes I was huffing with frustration. I stared more intently out the window and realized we had stopped at the perfect midpoint across the Williamsburg Bridge that allowed a perfect view of not only the Empire State Building and Brooklyn Bridge but also the Statue of Liberty off in the distance.

I felt like an asshole.

People dream of this city, I dreamed of this city! These are landmarks that people pay thousands of dollars to come and see, people see these things and take pictures and treasure the memories of their wild adventures in the Big Apple and here I was numb to it all. I had seen these things so many times I had stopped caring, they had stopped being cool, but in that moment I let my mind rewind back to that young girl in Western Australia. That little girl that thought America was this crazy land of lights and movies. I would watch movies and see all the sights of NYC and it all seemed so cool, so different to where I was from, my best friend and I would spend hours talking in awful American accents because it all seemed so cool! Yet, here I was in the middle of it and after a few short years I was over it?

I was no longer a tourist using this city as a prop or backdrop for my happy holiday snaps. Times Square was no longer a destination it was just part of the commute. I didn't go to Grand Central to take pictures and pretend I was in a movie, I went their to take a train to work or school or something awfully mundane. At that moment it truly upset me how over it I thought I was.

I don't know where I'll end up, or even where I'll be this time next year. I have no idea what anything holds but I do know that New York is probably not a forever thing, and I want to be able to look back on this time in the years to come and to appreciate what I was doing and where I was doing it. I hope one day I can tell my kids that I lived in New York and they think it is as cool as 8 year old Jordyn thought it to be.

I have to be up in three hours to make sleeping cutie (he's asleep and he's what I did's a play on words...sleeping beauty? HAH I'm ok) yoga with me and at this rate it is probably going to turn into hey how about we don't and say we did? Oh and you are going to make me waffles? Splendid. 

Life Updates:

  • I'm sick. Due to almost every person in my life at the moment coughing their sickness all over me,  I have finally caught something. I predict I have about a week left to live and I plan to spend it drugged up on Nyquil.
  • Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant and on the day I was supposed to give birth we had a huge party in my childhood home where I was also delivering the baby. I even uttered the words "I'm just going to go give birth real quick so I can come and eat with you guys!" I thought it was a weird funny dream until Calvin told me that dreaming of birth means someone is going to die. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? As if I need more paranoia! 
  • Today another creepy man followed me down the street and kept saying weird shit to me until I escaped down into the subway. It's always me man! 
  • A man at the bar last night told me I had a sexy little mouth....I am normally very self conscious of how tiny my mouth is in comparison to my gigantic that was a high point of my's the little things people.

Sometimes I forget how to word and just picture instead.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Snap- Soooo....Baby Boy just fell asleep listening to me ramble on about how I am convinced that a ghost is stalking me. I'm sorry but I thought it was a thrilling tale of one redheads journey into insanity....apparently it needs some work.

Now since he is a party pooper, I got bored and decided to come and talk to myself online. I'm thrilling.

Crackle- What's new? Nothing...everything...who knows. I'm in a very rant-y mood recently, I don't know why, I'm just very opinionated about a lot of random things. Sometimes in order to stop getting into debates and ruining friendships I just go to news websites and blow shit up in the comments....You think I'm kidding. I'm not. 


Pop- This week I got back in contact with a very good friend of mine who I hadn't spoken to in a few months now ( Considering at one point in our lives we once spoke every single day this was a big deal!) I am a person who often thinks too deeply about life and who is completely shook by random quotes about death and taking nothing for granted so making sure I'm in contact with those who matter to me is very important. Heck the other day I paced around the office almost ripping my hair out because my Dad hadn't texted me back in a few days, I had to keep going on Facebook to see if my Step mum was still Farmville'ing to make sure nothing major was going down at home. Crisis Averted. P.S. I'm a worrier. 

Rawr- I am someone with an impeccable memory, heck I'm sure I remember more about my brothers/best friends/random stranger on the streets life than they do. The other day though I saw the first signs of old age setting in (This is old age!) There I was, scrolling around on my computer looking for a certain picture of me and a friend when I stumbled upon this picture...

I literally had no idea where it came from. Why was I wearing gloves and a scarf? Why were we in front of a green screen? I was so baffled! I have since worked it out. But the thought of not knowing every detail of every event is a scary thought. Pfft Fuck my 20's!

Boop-The other night my roommate was in his rightful place aka cooking me dinner when I heard a commotion and turned around to see this.

Oh no kitty spilt something on her face? NO! WRONG! My loving roommate actually just threw flour in her face for a reason unexplainable to anybody outside his own mind and almost blinded poor kitty. Boys are weird.

Squash- This is our shelf of shit. My personal favourite item? The tiny nugget of weed on the frame placed there just for Jesus. 

Six- My newest and most favourite hobby is embarrassing my roommate aka little baby Kevin on Facebook. Why is it so fun? I have no idea! It's just something I kind of dig because he gets so mad! It makes me kind of worried that when I have kids I'm going to be one of those embarrassing baby-picture-in-the-handbag-ready-to-show-everyone mums (Dear Future children, if you read this and that is a fitting description of me, I give you permission to shoot me in the head.)

Pip Pip Cheerio, hopefully next time I'll remember how to use words again...but probably not lets be honest.

I'm starting a relationship with Cool Ranch Doritos...nobody can stop me!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

My ex-boyfriend is in town which means I can't be *cue little baby Jordyn hiding under her covers on a Saturday night*. Firstly, No! Technically I don't have to be hidden, but we are in a very weird little space and since we run in literally almost the exact same circle, I would rather just not entertain the idea. Honestly I'm not all too bummed about my night, as previously mentioned I quite enjoy my own company.

In fact I have spent my night clicking away editing my book, eating chocolate covered gummy bears and listening to Harry Connick Jr's Christmas album....sorted!

Oh and watching my roommate shampoo his feet.

You think I'm joking?

Another weird little corner of my world at the moment is Buddhism.

Hear me out.

I have never been a religious person. It has never been a part of my life, my family have never practiced any kind and honestly I never really felt it to be necessary. Recently though I'm kind of altering that idea. The idea of organized religion scares me. It can go from good to bad in 2.3 seconds,I'm not sure I believe in all that is said, it can be used to spread hatred and unnecessary judgement but something I have always liked about it was what it did for those who believe in it.

Those who know me know that I have been following the Shaytard's vlogs on Youtube for four years now and I'm kind of obsessed. Put simply, they are a family of 7 (after welcoming a little boy just a few weeks back...I cried, or more correctly put bawled my freakin' eyes out!) who make 10-20 minute videos of their every day life. They are so happy and optimistic with every single aspect of their life that they have changed my outlook on a lot of things. A huge aspect of their life is their faith which in this case happens to be Mormonism. Although I don't believe in the same faith they do, I truly admire how they use it to shape their lives and I felt like this was a light bulb, aha! moment for me.

This is how I fell into Buddhism. Firstly, I wouldn't consider myself a Buddhist. I think my lack of knowledge on the subject would greatly insult those who did identify as such, but it is definitely something I am beginning to love.

I love how humanistic it is. It puts you in control of your own destiny, your successes and failures are completely up to you. You decide your own happiness! I think that is a very important aspect of life, I think as humans we spend too long thinking about what others think about us when in all actuality they are too busy worrying about what others think of them to really have time to care (I mean that in the least depressing way possible!)

And on that note,

From Mummpet's last womb tenant,

Friday, November 8, 2013

Happiest of birthdays to my first ever friend. I know nobody likes my blog more than my Mother and nobody gets madder that I haven't written in a long time, so I figured I would write one just for her!

Growing up my mother and I had the typical mother-daughter relationship, we laughed about the most ridiculous things, I stole her clothes, she had a way of making me madder than most people could, she helped me with anything I would let her (I'm an independent little woman so this wasn't always easy), she was the target of my prime bitchiness, but at the end of the day I have realized I would be lost without her.

It wasn't until I moved out that I realized how special she was to me. My roommate at the time was shocked at how often I called my mum and how much she knew about my life (although this may have something to do with the fact that this woman is CIA level online stalker....) and I realized she was kind of more than my Mum. She was one of my best friends and I suddenly regretted never thanking her enough and never letting her know how much I love her.

Heck this woman drove me to the hospital on so many occasions as a child because I had put rocks up my nose for the fourth time in a week that it is beyond funny. She has been at the receiving end of all of my weird questions; the number of times I have asked this woman what she would do if I dropped dead right this second, or quizzed her about my phobias or loves, or pointed at her stomach and asked how weird it was that I used to live near her pancreas are almost infinite.

She cracks me up, and for that I wish her a Happy Birth day,week,month,year!


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I'm sick.

Another perk is that my roommates aren't home so I can listen to the same song on repeat at full volume without any complaints.

It's the small things in life people.

Saying Yes.

Monday, November 4, 2013

I have a huge problem.

First, some back story. I am very happy with who I am. I'm an introvert by nature and although I fake being a social butterfly well most of the time I would much prefer to do my own thing. I like my own company, I know what makes me happy, I like what I like and I find it almost impossible to change myself because of others opinions.

I have always known who I was, even when I didn't know it. I am opinionated and straight forward which I have noticed can get me into some trouble, yet at my core I don't come from a mean place. I'm internally happy, even in the darkest of times or situations, even when I'm crying my eyes out or complaining about the most trivial of things, I am content and optimistic about wherever it is I'm going.

I believe in karma and simple kindness and I'm honestly a very open book. Ask me anything and I'll tell you my true opinion. Sometimes I greatly dislike this quality, and would much prefer to fake nice with those around me, but I am learning to accept, brutal honesty is the way I am whilst at the same time trying to teach myself to contain it sometimes.

When I love, I love with every bone in my body and once you are my friend you will always have a special place in my heart. I am not a jealous person, I know how to be happy for people, I am proud of my friends for all they are achieving and will support those I love in whatever makes them happiest. I'm not one for sharing with strangers, and most people find they really don't know much about me at the end of the day but my biggest problem is my inability to say yes.

I am a person that gets stuck in my ways, both good and bad. Whether it's a streak of going out every night or a wave of working too hard, I get complicated comfortably and it's hard for me to sway.

Luckily for me I have a friend who is innately programmed the same way and we are helping each other break this cycle. New, weird and wonderful things on the horizon.

Watch this space.

The best kind of days.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Have you ever dreaded something so much it made you physically ill? It's that one thing, the worst possible outcome to a situation. You know that eventually that time will come and as you wait for it your stomach knots and you quickly start mentally watching Forrest Gump to feel ok again? That gut wrenching wait ended for me today, and I was shocked with the outcome.

 I was supposed to be depressed, shed a tear and need hugs from all those willing, yet I felt amazing. It was the end I had been waiting for. It was as if a weight got lifted and as I stood in a grimy bar surrounded by swarms of tipsy strangers instead of feeling depressed like I had expected I felt elated.

I clicked off my phone and smiled at my friend as she gave me the oddest of looks.

"What is that face?"

"I just got the worst news and the best news all at once....I don't feel that was supposed to devastate me had zero effect....I'm oddly so happy I could scream."

Confused and happy banter occurred and now it is like I can finally think clearly. The elephant blocking the judgement segment of my murky and confused brain finally sprinted away.

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm stuck between where I was, and where I'm going. I'm in a nowhere space wandering around looking for substance. I don't know what I want or who I want or where I want to end up, and up until today this frightened me.

I'm at a place in my life where those around me have five year plans, are considering marriage and children and then there is me. Petrified by any type of commitment, committing my time to the most beautifully pointless of tasks with no real sense of true direction.

Yet, I can finally say I am happy here.

Instead of feeling like the hand of a compass frantically spinning desperate for direction, I feel like a four year old happily twirling until the world seesaws and I'm forced plonk down into the spot where destiny throws me.

Whether I stay in New York just that little while longer or I move on to bigger and better, is still a million pro/con lists away. But for right now, I'm completely content with who, what and where I got.

Terrible Blogger.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Recently I've been in a very weird place. In-between jobs, drinking too much, spending too much time with strange boys...typical things. With all the extra time normally taken up by work you would think I would have all the time in the world to would be wrong. It takes a lot of effort to wake up at 11 and watch TV until an appropriate time to start drinking.

Back to reality though, I am now employed again, have made a pact with myself and various friends (I think if I do it with a lot of people it may maybe?) to cut down drinking and boys and various other vices. It's long and boring but I even have a notebook! A NOTEBOOK! How can you fall out of line when you have a freakin' notebook?

Catch-Up List (Sucker for a list)-

I love you Emails/Phone Calls/Lunch Dates-
Recently I've noticed that I was in a bad place in terms of the people had in my life. I wasn't happy with who they made me or what they made me think. I missed who I was and had an epiphany (Sucker for Epiphanies) that I wanted to get back there and after some sound advice I wanted everyone I care about to know it. I got in contact with about a billion people to thank them, tell them I loved them, make a mends, you get the picture (I even emailed my old english teacher, it took me about 15 years because I had to keep proof reading, I didn't really want to remind him how grammar handicapped I was and for him to think he failed me!)The most special one though was a phone call that had me oddly reunited with my one time best friend, a friend that I lost over a stupid rumor started about me by someone I didn't even know. As cliche as it sounds it was as if a weight was lifted and I realize I needed to forgive, forget, and not let others dictate my little life. 

How could you not want it in your life?

I worked out what my favourite album of all time is-
It's Justified

I realize how much I rely on my parents- 
I always thought that as I grew up I would slowly need my parents less and less, I have now realized how ass backwards that thought was! I have come to realize that I don't know where the heck I would be without these guys, seriously, being a big bad grown up is overrated. I'm gonna be a Mummy's/Daddy's gal fo lyf.

One of my best friends turned 21 and I cried at the beginning of the end!-

Hello 8th grade please go back in your hole. 

Happy Birthday! I'm not sure about many things in my life, or life in general for that matter but one thing I do know is that I'm going to be friends with this one for a very long time. Have we had the perfect friendship? Far from it, we had a pretty big falling out over the years in fact but after almost 9 years of friendship she is kind of stuck with me now.Old Orchard Beach 2078? I'll see you there gal.

I topless bonded with my roommates- 
The other night my roommates and I sat on the kitchen floor at 3 am and had a little chat where the word pussy was used way too much and I was 99% sure I was an inch away from throwing up. I was topless, my other roommate was pantless and someone invited the "King of Psychedelics" aka our little couch gremlin aka the WORST PERSON IN THE HUMAN RACE (Seriously Kevin I DARE you to bring him here again...yah feel me?)

Can you tell I'm really struggling to think of things? It's either pointless and boring (aka I watched a whole season of Gilmore Girls last week?) or too x-rated for something my mother reads (aka I've been getting a large influx of dick pics recently aka NO! ....I literally laugh, show them to my roommate for him to freak out about and then delete stop!)

Well alas I'm all out of stories but I'm going to try to get on some form of blogging roll, if only for my mothers sanity.

Existential Crisis.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Disclaimer: For those who don't know me, I am overtly dramatic by nature. 

A few weeks ago, I turned 20. If you read my blog back then you would know I had a very tough time with that little transition. My friends told me it would get easier as the months went on. How wrong they were...

My stove has been broken for a month now and I have made zero efforts to fix it. 

I can't stop listening to ABBA.
When I was younger I was obsessed with ABBA, in fact I think my copy of the Gold Album may have  combusted due to sheer overuse. I never saw any problem with this as I was six and shimmying around my front yard declaring my love to Fernando seemed perfectly normal. 

Want a mental image? I give you...5-year-old Jordyn dances to ABBA, yes that is really dancing I promise. 

I can't stop ordering Martini's. 
Who the fuck am I James Bond? 

Can you name every single country in the world? 
Every night (or 6am shh) when I get home, somewhere between picking the lock to my apartment because I can't seem to ever remember my keys and finally falling asleep, I have to list every single country in the world. Ok, well I try to at least. I found this quiz on Sporcle a few nights back and have slowly been training myself to know all 197 countries. I can now name 160 off the top of my head, 150 if I had that extra martini. Hopefully one day I will be able to remember that Guinea and Equatorial Guinea are two separate countries but until then I will enjoy crying myself to sleep over this failure. 

I'm habitually watching the Big Bang Theory
Does this honestly need any explanation? 

The light went out in my bathroom and I don't know how to change the bulb so I hung up fairy lights instead. 

This morning I woke up in my friends bed to find he had slept on the floor because whenever he would try and hug me I would knee him in the balls. 
Good to see I have officially given up human contact.

Ask me how many nights this week I have eaten Tacos. 
3 (It's Wednesday...)

The other morning I twerked in front of my mirror just to see if I could.
I couldn't. 

The other day I saw a Limo in the Upper East Side and I stood there for five whole minutes waiting for Chuck Bass to come back.
Never came. 

The other day I told my father I was becoming a prostitute and he didn't even flinch. 

This is what my roommate did to his head the other day. 
This is more of his existential crisis then mine but his pain makes me feel a little better about myself and I love embarrassing him so here we are. 

I have been applying for jobs based largely on the prospect of there being cute boys there.
Leave me alone. 


Girl.. I know you want this dickkkkk.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

It was my last night in Arizona and I realized I had zero blog footage....this ensued. Also, I'm quite intoxicated and would love to order food right now but guess what, ARIZONA SUCKS. I JUST WANT PIZZA. THIS IS SO DEPRESSING.

We burned shit.

At one point in the night, Tums were passed around like Candy....Arizonians are odd.

Finding Shit to Burn 101

Bass mouth...apparently it's a thing

Sparklers? Don't mind if  I do...ever. 

Finding Flamable shit is surprisingly hard!

"I have a topless picture of your girlfriend I wouldn't upload it."
Brother: "Fuck it, why not!" 
Side note: Sam doubted her ability to the burn shit lifestyle....homie tore of her shirt and burned it....I'm her fan 100% because of that. 

Word Bird.

I'm drunk and hungry and so disappointed in the Tucson's ability to deliver me drunk shit.


Nothing like a small heart attack to start the morning right.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Goodbye Kitty,see you soon! Love you forever. 

Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for adulthood. This morning was one of those times. Imagine if you will, a slumbering redhead laying on a pile of unfolded clothes she has yet to pack for her 7 am flight. The original plan was to pack the night before but beer and boys got in the way of that and like a predictable teen movie she had blown off responsiblility  in favour of a good time. Now as her alarm clock abused the airwaves in her peacefully quiet apartment she was slowly realizing what a terrible idea that was. 

I'm so predictable, it is almost comical how late I leave almost everything. With my car arriving at 6 am, I swear my last item wasn't packed until at least 6:05 and it wasn't until my cab was zooming towards JFK that I had a second to process how tired I really was (A large family is now currently staring at me so I'm sure I look as exhausted as I truly am). Now I must point out, although I appear to have no problem leaving things until the last minute, in all actuality it gives me large amounts of anxiety. I can't even tell you how many times I googled how many ounces of liquids I was allowed before checking the label on every single bottle I own (followed by a mini heart attack…what if they confiscated my Burberry London!?!? That was $100 bucks, maybe I should leave it behind…I even thought about spraying it pump by pump it into a smaller bottle) it isn't until I'm happily through security that I can truly breath again (although apparently they actually give zero fucks because you don't even have to take you laptop out anymore!). You would honestly think it was my first flight the level of anxiety and number of triple checks I make, the one thing I didn't happen to check? What airport I was flying out of!

It was honestly a scene out of Friends….oh wait that is because that was EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS (see: Friends Finale!) I wandered in to the airport and dragged my little bag (perfectly within airline regulation size!) over to the self service check in. After entering my flight number 45 times, I finally decided I should probably pull up my email to double check the flight number, that was when I finally saw the giant LGA next to my flight. I reopened the page, that is how sure I was that my eyes were just overtired.

"Excuse me can you confirm that this says LaGuardia and I am officially the stupidest person alive?" The American Airlines worker patrolling the kiosks assured me that I am the biggest idiot alive and within two seconds I was running out of the airport as fast as my little heels could take me. 

Nice to meet you, I'm the worst.

Thankfully for me, my anxious nature also makes me habitually early for everything so I can thankfully say that I made my flight in time. In fact I am currently sitting at my gate surrounded by screaming children certain that if they are sitting near me on the flight I may murder one…or seven of them by the end of this flight. 

Airport thoughts-

  • Fly by Sugar ray was in my head all morning, what a tune. 
  • The lady lint rolling her pants next to me knows how to do life, bringing a lint roller on a flight? WHO THINKS OF THIS SHIT.
  • I love now children have no sense of social awkwardness and will stare at you dead on for ten minutes….and by that I mean, stop looking at me kid your scaring me.
  • I. need. a . bagel. right. now.
  • The lamest guy is sitting next to me talking way too loudly on the phone. He has called three different people so far and told them all the same damn story whilst using words like dealio and "give you a jingle". staaaaaahp.
  • The other day my Dad sent me a selfie so I sent him a selfie back and he told me I had developed wrinkles that I didn't have in my teen's....How Rude!
If anybody needs me I'll be over here being old. 
  • (I am posting this from Texas because these assholes don't block their wifi like stingy New Yorkers do!)\

Oh....another list...

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I have become so lazy with this blog that all I can ever think of doing is writing a list about the bullshit thoughts that happen in my twisted mind. But hey! I already told you I was a sucker for tradition so why change that now...

In the last 24 hours...

  • Today on the subway I kept looking at the people around me and imagining them as skeletons. Have you ever thought about how weird that is? Look at a person and imagine if all their skin just melted off and it was just these weird yellowy bone faces staring at you....side note: don't do drugs kids. 
  • This morning my best friend and I sat in bed for 2 hours passing a 2 litre bottle of coke back and forth whilst scrolling through her tumblr and hysterically dying of laughter. 

My personal favourites-

  • I have decided that the movie based on my life will start with Neil Armstrong stepping foot on to the moon, and then the camera will zoom off over to earth and do that cliche movie thing where it rapidly zooms in, down on to North America, then New York weaving through the streets and right into my bedroom window to find me lying in bed watching Netflix and eating a burrito. Just so the audience is immediately aware of how much I have achieved in the first 20 years of my life.  
  • Last night my friends and I went to a going away party where we knew a total of two people....
       Gal Pal: Ugh ok so what now?
       Me: Let's Fla-mingle....
       Dude Sitting Next to us: *Reaches hand out for a high five* Mad props for that one.
       Me: Thanks I saw it on a napkin once...


Quickie catch-up

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Too busy glowing, no time to blog.

  • The other night I kissed a lovely boy. Turns out he knows a boy I used to kiss a lot last year (I awkwardly texted said boy to verify this fact)....I think this is a sign this city is officially too small and I should leave and never come back

  • I ate way too many Veggie straws this afternoon.....ugh

  • Somedays I want to move home to Australia but then I remember they don't have Netflix there and I laugh at myself for being so ridiculous

  • I lose my phone about 232 times a week. I'm almost 99% sure I drunkenly hide it to avoid embarrassing myself with drunken texts. This morning it showed up in a shoe at my friends place....pesky little bugger.

  • I'm writing this from a restaurant on my phone due to the fact that I find it very hard to blog on the weekends and I don't want my mother to think I died.

Still alive homie!

In the last 24 hours...

Thursday, August 22, 2013

...I scampered around in a coral covered mini dress in the pouring rain- 

...I met the rudest lady in New York City-

"MOVE IN! MOVE YOUR ASSES IN" The train fell silent as the boom box pushed her way onto the crowded 6 train. If there is one thing I hate, it's miserable people who go about their day smashing flowers and growling at babies, this is what this woman was.

It was rush hour on a rainy day in New York, at a time when, get this, the MTA was experiencing some delay (shocking) so the trains were slightly overcrowded. Everybody had a soured expression plastered on there face but at the end of the day we all knew we were in this mess together.Not this woman though, she seemed to think she was the only person experiencing any kind of inconvenience. 

"GET OUT!" She would yell at the lovely Swedish (honestly they could have been from Uzbekistan for all I know) tourists as they politely bobbed and weaved out of the train. My blood was honestly boiling, the act of being a complete and utter misery to people who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it is pathetic. This lady was just asking to be slapped and I swear if it wasn't for the many pairs of rolling eyes reassuring me that we all wanted the same common goal, I may have done it myself.

"Excuse me, can you be quiet?" She spat at an older gentleman pointing out a destination to his wife on the hanging map of Manhattan. 

I had reached my limit. I got up and weaved towards the lady as she slumped against the doors and... I walked right past her, because anybody this depressing deserved absolutely zero seconds of my time. 

...I did that lame white girl thing where we start a juice cleanse, and then swiftly break that juice cleanse-

...I drove around in circles for an hour because my roommate's the worst (But I love him!)

I am a terrible driver. This little fact is not a secret so when my roommate asked me to help him move his car I was a little worried about how many of us would make it out of this alive, but being the amazingly loving and perfect roommate I am, I agreed.

Little did I know that casually moving a car in order to obey street cleaning rules very swiftly turned in to driving up and down the same blocks over and over again for two hours at 11pm searching aimlessly for a spot whilst my roommate sat next to me tapping away on Instagram and listened to The Pixies. 

As I slowly approached my breaking point and after Kevin had yelled, "THERE'S ONE!" to an empty park on the complete wrong side of the street for about the 100th time, we finally found one that I managed to poorly roll on in to and then book it out of there before anybody noticed I was at least 2 feet away from the curb.

...I spent some time with Marilyn- 

...My friend bought me Spree-

I have an amazing memory, in fact my best friend always tells me the only reason we are friends is because she knows I will remember her life for her once we are old and grey, she's super charming as you can tell. If I am told something once, I generally remember it no matter how insignificant said fact may be. Because of this I have learned to accept that I will generally know more about my friends. and the things they love, then they know about me. 

Today on my way uptown I had to make a quick stop off at my friends apartment to pick up my wallet that I casually just leave everywhere apparently. After being let in by his roommate I ran in to his room to find not only my wallet by also a box of Spree. 

I love Spree. They make my mouth tingle in all the right ways and although I know how much I love them, I didn't think anybody else did! I was apparently wrong because on the back of the box was a post it, 

"Saw these. Thought of you!" 

It's always lovely to be thought of, even if it's only for a split second whilst in a dirty bodega surrounded by old ramen and a few stray cats. Dad kept it real (sucks to suck boys!)-

Dear Future Employers- DON'T READ THIS... (You to Dad!)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Today whilst in a job interview for a Social Media position, the interviewer asked me what I blog about.

"Uhm...mainly food and my drunken escapades...." Actually, It now suddenly makes complete sense why I will not be employed there.

Then whilst waiting on the subway, ready to head home for a hot and heavy night of washing my clothes and cleaning out my nasty fridge, I found this article!

And I realized...hey! That is what everybody blogs about, and if you can't beat em' join em' So I present to you, a small excerpt of the much bigger novel, "Jordyn: I think I drink too much"

That time we broke into a strangers mansion to throw a party
(Techincally I was sober when we made the mistake....but I wasn't so sober when I sloshed the Grey Goose I stole from their fridge all over the white it counts)

I grew up in a town covered in summer homes on the lake that lay vacant 99.4% of the year. The best thing about huge empty mansions? You can party in them and nobody will ever know! So that's what we did. It was the smartest decision my best friend and I ever made. We invited everyone we knew, and then we realized we lived in a town of 100 we just invited strangers. The night was filled with way too much beer pong, spanking my friends sister way too many times, royally cock blocking my friend (Sorry Homie) and a lovely gentleman who could pull his front teeth out and would keep them in a used Vicodin bottle he carried around with him. Nobody would have suspected a thing either...if someone hadn't throw up inside a hand towel and then hang it up for an unsuspecting home owner.

(Sorry 'bout it)

That time I scaled a fire escape and almost fell to my death. 

 The night started like any other, at our local bar full of familiar faces and a little too much alcohol. One thing lead to another and before I knew it the bar did that annoying thing it does and closed! So we took the gathering swiftly back to the apartment....except oh no! Every single person who lived there at the time had forgotten their keys (or at least that is what they told me)! How were we going to get back to the millions of cupcakes locked just a few floors up? That was all the inspiration I needed,

"I got this! GIVE ME A BOOST!" I then proceeded to climb four stories, in five inch heels and a mini dress (that had wiggled it's way up and was basically just a shirt at this point). Luckily for me, a kind (see: tired and furiously angry) stranger let me in through her window and allowed me access to the hallway, where I swiftly met up with my laughing friends who "suddenly found their key"....reflecting back I think I forgave them a little too quickly for ALMOST KILLING ME!

That time I knocked myself out. 

I told my roommates they could throw a party (I'm not some kind of name is just on the lease) with one condition, that nobody got too rowdy. Thankfully 99% of the party guests respected our apartment and kept it somewhat tame, except for one guest, aaaaand yeah you're looking at her. In my defense, I had spent the whole day drinking Margaritas on my friends roof, before coming home for my roommates little shindig. I had also failed to realize that I didn't actually eat a thing before drinking 45 flamingoes (yep, flamingoes) full of Whiskey. I don't remember much of the event but the small snippets I do remember involve me swan diving onto my bed, smashing the side of my head on a widow aaaaand knocking myself the fuck out. Don't drink and dive kids (HAH got myself a little there).

(Sorry 'bout it)

That time I got rowdy with total strangers....well one of the times. 

A few years ago I liked to drag a friend of mine through hell. I would basically just get wasted and prance around on the lawn in front of his building, crying and cock blocking him for my sheer enjoyment (I had a very valid reason for distress but would poorly drown this reason in alcohol and alas, annoyance). One night though, he had enough and did what he should have done the first time this happened and went the fuck to bed (forgot to mention this tended to happen at 4 am). So I went out to find someone else to annoy. I didn't have to look far though because like clockwork a group of college kids came rolling in to go have some extreme flip cup showdown in the same building! The stars aligned and a few minutes later I was a few floors up flippin' mad cups, sinkin' mad brewskis, bro'ing down with strangers. Long Story short: I never saw them again.

That time I fell in love with a homeless man. 

In one of my great drunken disappearing acts (just scroll down a few posts, it's there), I met the love of my life; A jolly old homeless man sitting around the corner from the bar mumbling away to himself.


"Hello pretty young thing," Shucks dude, give a woman some warning. 

"Are you ok down there?"  Our little chat went on for a good 15 minutes, he even offered me a corner of his cardboard box....I declined. My drunken heart felt quite sorry for the old gentleman, a veteran he told me (Reflecting back, that was most likely bullshit) so I did what any unsuspecting 18 year old would do, I gave him all the money I had on me ($23...big spender). But then I took it one step further,

"Be right back Joe!" I yelled before dashing past the bouncer (obviously doing a terrible job, I'M 18 DUDE) and over to my group of friends.

"Sam I need cash, do you have any?" My friend pulled out his wallet and offered me the crisp $50 and I was off again like Joe's little bitch doing his dirty work for him. He was overjoyed with my findings, Sam? Not so much.