Dead, dying and dripping in vomit.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

I haven't been blogging....

Because I haven't been doing anything...

Well besides dying.

*Enter lengthy rant bout how sick I have been* 

Luckily for me I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel...and by that I mean I no longer have a million degree fever, although I do still have this intense, 50 packs of cigarettes a day cough... You know the kind of cough where people wince and look over at you just to check and make sure that your lung didn't come hurtling out of your's honestly a giant party.

But apart from death, life has been tame.....with a side of boob castles...but tame none the less. 


Oh wait silly me, something super exciting did happen today.... I stepped in two different piles of vomit on my walk home tonight (aka why couldn't you all just barf into your purse like that strung out blond girl on the N train?) New York on a Saturday night is an ever classy location. A man even ran up behind me to inform me that I had in fact stepped in vomit, as if me yelling for the world to fuck me again wasn't clue enough that I understood what was happening. Actually, I think it is actually programmed deep within us to inform someone whenever you are aware that they in fact have another persons regurgitated lasagna on their person. A fact I learned a few years ago when a friend and I were walking home from the bar and he very gracefully penny boarded back first into a stray pile of chunky street potatoes and a car full of hyped up dudes pulled over to mock his be fair he did just kind of lay there for a minute and splashed about in his puddle of love....he kind of deserved it. 

Speaking of deserving it (boom segway), can we all take a minute to appreciate the fact that my little brother deserves a kick in the nads? Why is that? I hear the crowds bellow....please see below visual representation...

Never have I ever been more disrespected! 

I guess this is probably payback for all those times I used to beat the crap out of him until he told me I was God...and perfect....and beautiful...and....

I pity the man who marries me.

Oh and I cut all my hair off.....

Also, I'm going to really need someone to inform me how to properly face, because I haven't mastered it yet. 

Technology is ruining the world.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Saturday August 2nd resolution: Disconnect. No really, this grinds my gears. Just look at how sad, sad moving Jordyn picture is.....put your fucking phone down.

I would just like to clarify that I'm not talking about the evil machines getting too powerful, surging and slowly murdering us all ala' dolphins in that episode of the Simpsons (I think about that episode a lot....horrifying...but off topic!)

I'm talking about the digital world weeding it's way into our brains and controlling from the inside out. I just sat waiting for a friend, my phone was in my bag where I try to keep it most of the time and I was looking around the restaurant just kind of studyin' people (I do that a lot.) Seven people were on their phones, and four of these people were sitting across from another. It made my blood boil. Sure, I'm pro-do what you want, but I'm also pro-hey see that person sitting across from you? You are here with them for a reason, but your phone down!

Relationships on any level were not designed to cope with technology. I've said it before, I'll say it again, I am an introvert by nature. When I'm away from you, it's because I want to be away. I don't want to be in contact with anybody 24 hours a day, it's not because I'm shady, it's because I don't want to be around another every waking second. When I don't answer my phone, it's because I'm busy or I simply don't want to talk. Yet now that notation has become offensive. We have become accustomed to another always having their phone on them, that to not be instantly appeased when you reach out to someone is offensive.

It makes me mad, how addicted everyone is. When I'm with someone, on any level, I want to be with them and I want them to be with me, so put your fucking phone down and actually listen as I answer your question.

My number one pet peeve is when I'm having a conversation with someone and they are too busy texting. I didn't even notice it annoyed me so much until I met my roommate. He is the worst offender, you will ask him about something to do with him, he will answer wholeheartedly and then ask you about yours  and whilst you answer he will text. Why ask the question if you don't care for the answer? It annoyed me so much that first time that now whenever it happens I just stop talking. I even quizzed him the other day about what I had said....he didn't know.


So my new resolution?

When you talk, I will listen.

I wouldn't try and hold 50 conversations with others through my phone, I wouldn't scroll or comment or favourite or like. I'll listen, because it's polite and because if I ask you a question it's because I genuinely care about the answer.

I'm a habitual phone misplacer. I leave it everywhere, and I never truly miss it. I don't need to be plugged in 24 hours a day, I don't want to be talking to someone every second of every day, I hate technology. I'm even starting to think my brain does it on purpose, pining for the day it gets away from electronics.