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It's gonna be Ma....June.

Monday, May 25, 2020




Annnnnnd just like that May is almost over.

2020 has been a bit of a blur year for me (only me,  for everybody else life is totally normal right?) It's a weird kind of blur as well. It hasn't been a blur of busy, busy, go, go time that keeps your mind entertained 24/7, no, it's pretty much the exact opposite of that! Long days of not much!

I know I have spoken about this before, but it really is crazy that when you get older you suddenly realize that this day to day, mundane life stuff is life itself. When you are younger you are constantly working towards the next thing. The next school year, next school holidays, hell next school disco! These big asterisks on the calendar always felt like the things that make up a life, but then you meet your old mate hindsight and realize that oh actually...getting up every day, chomping a piece of toast and putting on your school uniform for the umpteenth day in a row....that was life. Routine, the day in, day out stuff....that's life, man. 

I often think about how I felt when I first moved to New York. After my second week of college, I remember stressing about how I would spend my first real weekend. I didn't have a job, I was broke and I had a singular friend. We met up, walked around the city aimlessly and kept sitting down on random benches to recalculate our plans throughout the day. We worked so hard that day to do cool things, wanting to have something to tell our friends about how we spent our first weekend in New York. Then it hit us, oh shit...what are we going to do on Sunday though? Ugh, we have to find big things to do again tomorrow! I remember speaking to my mum on the phone after that day...

"I really need to find a job, that way I have less time to fill in the day!"

I think about that a lot, a time where days seemed too long because I felt this weird teenage pressure to always be doing fun and exciting things. As I grew up I realized that excitement doesn't make a life. 

When I realized this, I think I got a little happier. Now, don't get me wrong...I still have asterisks on the calendar of things I want to do down the track...but I don't feel like I'm underachieving when I'm just crushing the day to day monotony. Heck, I even enjoy it. 

A little look at my monotony recently...

It's a nice day for a....dog wedding!


When I moved back to Australia I was rudely unaware that I would no longer be able to order Glossier and more importantly to this story, BabyFacial by Drunk Elephant. I shed a single tear and then went about searching for alternatives for my chemical peeling needs! It took me almost 8 months but I finally found a place to order The Ordinary AHA and BHA solution, and after waiting almost two months! It finally arrived and my dead skin finally got the ass kicking it deserved!


It's getting colder here in Australia, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be out lazing about in the sun when given the chance!


Sometimes the onions just get a bit too juicy, you know?


Sometimes you just have to put on your Carol Baskin jammies and cuddle with your elephant!


Last week I realized my tan faded and suddenly my legs were the same colour as my boots.


My deep vein thrombosis and the post thrombotic syndrome it brought with it means that after a long day of being on my feet, my left leg is the size of a small country....poor Jordy Jordy Fat Feet.


I like to wear long flow-y dresses so they flutter about as I strut. It really does something for your self esteem, you should give it a try! 


It's constantly shocking to me how every single man I have ever met insists on making the biggest mess possible whilst cooking. Clean as you go? Who the hell is that!

I have been loving a good walk recently. Have you ever had a cold and suddenly you are not able to breathe out of your nose? You curse the times you took for granted the ability to breathe! After months of not being able to breathe properly because of my clotted lungs and having pain pulsing through my leg whenever I tried to walk, I'm finally at a place where moving and being out and about feels good again! I've been having Forrest Gump epiphanies when I hit a turning point on my walk, I don't want to stop...so I turn the other direction and keep on going. Am I planning to cross the country? Definitely not! Am I enjoying roaming the suburbs? Absolutely! 



I've been eating bowls and bowls of steamed broccoli and green beans at work because I'm trying to eat healthy to un-swell my body.....as you can tell.....it's been going great!

Aaaaand I chopped my mop because honestly after a long quarantine of messy buns, I deserved it!










23 things that happened before Covid-19.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

***Don't get me wrong, I totally respect the need for quarantine. I'm a homebody, I love a good puzzle, I like yoga pants as much as the next person...but I'm also incredibly nostalgic, and would love the option to go and get merry on sherry in public with my people...***


When we took a drunken post-brunch beach stumble...

When we ate empanadas in the park...

When I was drunkenly abusing my friends (and my phone)...

When I was trying to get the dog to eat my brother...

When I was a pal and a confidant...

When we were all British...

When we were all Australian...

When I had a fur-ball...

When the neighbours gave me a private concert....

When we partied with some young catholic men...

When  I ate my favourite snack (Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper Kettle Chips FTW!) with my favourite person...

When I ruined dinner....

When we congregated in the bathroom to kick our shoes off and bully each other...

When we walked down to the beach at 7am...


When we all admired how handsome Thomas looked...


When I stole the floral centerpiece from the restaurant on the way out...

When we played air hockey on the Santa Monica Pier...

When we were all festive and fabulous...


When we were in our true home (Niagara in the East Village) and then the bride remembered she was the dancing queen...

When I was hanging out with Jack...

When we got too drunk on a work trip...

When we were living among the gumtrees...

When I was bored at home, voguing and scrapbooking...

Oh wait that literally could have been yesterday....well, you get the point!






Life After.

Monday, May 4, 2020



Some much needed Grandma comfort after a particularly boisterous chorus of "Happy Birthday"


My Grandma died when I was five. She lived in the granny flat attached to our house, we would watch Home and Away together every night at 7:00pm, and she made killer sandwiches, but I wasn't old enough to truly understand that loss. I remember feeling sad for my Mum when she told us she had slipped into a coma as we stood outside of the hospital. She told us she might wake up, but she might not. I did cry at her funeral and I remember feeling confused thinking about what it all meant. It was the day I learned what forever was. I sat in the back of our car staring out the window wondering when the next time I would see her would be. 50 years? 100 years? Back then one year felt like forever but wrapping my head around the fact that an infinite number of years could pass and I would still never see her was a memory that has stuck with me. 

Tonight my family and I were lounging around after dinner when my dad got a phone call, before he had even hung up we knew what had happened. 

"Deano's Dead." 

That was it.

We all sat in silence.

My Dad's good friend had been battling cancer for almost a year, and the verdict had constantly flittered back and forth between optimism and realism. These past few weeks the writing was on the wall and we had been awaiting this very call. 

I wasn't particularly close to this friend, but he was a presence in our life as a family and I felt the shift as the news came down. 

I teared up when I heard, because at the end of the day, a life is a life. I felt weird about getting emotional. My day to day life would hardly see a difference, but I could feel the pain in those around me. I thought of his family. 

The passing of one is often the worst day for another. 

It was that feeling of forever creeping back in again. I looked over at my own Dad, never one for emotion, yet obviously lost in his own thoughts, I could still see him, he was still here. Tonight it wasn't my Dad, but it was someones Dad. I thought about how one day it would be my Dad, and how on that day I would be breaking while someone else was thankful it wasn't happening to them. They still had time. I still have time. 

"Who wants fruit salad?" My Dad questioned grabbing bowls from the cupboard.

We paused.

"No?"

"I do." My step-mum finally made the first move.

"Me too" I added, as if permission was granted for us to keep living.

I just kept thinking about how in this moment everything was weirdly normal. 

Here we were sitting around eating fruit salad and watching Silent Witness which we had done identically the night before but yesterday he was alive and tonight he was not.

Eventually the dog started snoring, breaking the silence.

We all laughed.

My youngest brother tripped running up the stairs.

We laughed again.

Remembering it was ok to do so.

The silence lifted and suddenly we were back discussing what was happening on the TV.

Everything was normal, but different all the same.



Keep On, Keepin' On.

Sunday, May 3, 2020

Things I've done in the last few weeks just to feel something...

Online Paid Surveys
At a penny a pop, this is really lucrative work right now! 

Ate my weight in Rippa Rolls from Red Rooster
A coworker of mine is obsessed with Rippa Rolls, and somehow that obsession was transferred to me. I can't help myself they taste like nostalgia with a crack cocaine sauce.

Watched triplet announcement videos on Youtube
Well when you run out of regular announcement and twin announcement and adoption announcements and solider's surprising their relatives, what the hell else are you supposed to do with you time!?!? 

Texting my friends about past murder cases
The Lululemon Murder really fucked me up.

Binge watching Vanderpump Rules, Summerhouse, Survivor, Bondi Rescue and Very Cavallari
Godlike taste in TV, I know!

Reading classic novels
Take a left turn at Reality TV Lane and you may run into Jane Austen. I dunno, it's a little experiment to see if any of these books are any good, I'll keep you posted! 

Excessively applying body lotion
I love a good pamper sesh at the best of times, but quarantine has me spending so much time rubba-dub-dubbing, catch me massaging cocoa butter into my knuckles and knees for 15 minutes twice a day like I'm going to come out of this thing looking like a newborn.

Walking with my father
My dad lovingly calls out evening strolls "Walking Dordy" and tells everyone about how he has to go and take me for a walk as if I'm a border collie.....I think he likes walking with me because I have blood clots in my lungs so he has an excuse for a slower pace....I always seem to learn something....facts about the two Roosevelts, why Air Force One is in-fact called Air Force One and the firing order of a V8.

Furnishing the house I don't have yet
Do I have boxes of plates, towels and other soon to be useful items lining the wall of my bedroom? Yes I do! I have a neurotic budget that I update 45 times a day, so large purchases can stress me out...but tons of smaller purchases spaced out months ahead of time? A joy!  

Preening my investment portfolio like a damn Mallard.
Am I one of those people buying like a mad woman because the stock market took a fucking clanger? Yes I am. I'm a set it and forget it type investor but still all this extra time has me checking what's going on multiple times a day. 

Party on, Garth!


Music Monday XIII

Wednesday, April 29, 2020


Now I know what you are saying....it's not Monday. That may be true, but in quarantine what really is time? That's my argument.

Now the next point to make....yes, all these songs are single word titles. Spooky and unplanned (until song 5...then I realized and had to selectively pick the rest)

Jordan Turner- Rigging the system since '93.







I love Rod Stewart....I've said that at least 32 times. Pay Attention.



This is my favourite Billy Joel song and I love musical theatre and Ben Platt.....pay attention.



New discovery, I'm weirdly attracted to young Barry Gibb. Hell I thought I was seriously going to marry Lance Bass when I was a child so honestly, I wear all my question marks with pride!





I have had this song stuck in my head since I was 10 years old and could never track it down, but then the other day it popped up on Spotify....a short 16 years later!



My favourite Cold Chisel song....also, young Jimmy Barnes, you can also take a seat at Barry's table.





This song has the worst lyrics I've ever heard in a song ever....yet catch me throwing it back hours later to some "Life, ohh life...ohhhh life"


 My mum hates this song....she also hates Rod Stewart...so obviously she has no taste.




Iso-loser.

Monday, April 27, 2020



Good Evening Quarantiners,


Yesterday I worked out that I haven't been to work in 8 weeks. This is partially because I was in the hospital for a while, but I came right out of that hospital into isolation so I'm including it! I have really good days, where I get up and go for a walk, drink water and do things that make me feel accomplished, and I have some days where I do the exact opposite. On the bad days I sleep for way to long, order takeout and spend way too much money on the delivery fee and binge watch Vanderpump Rules. It's all about balance I guess, but man those bad days can mess with your mind! 

All in all though, I'm ready for some normality now! I'm very thankful to be living in Australia at this very point in time which means I've been able to continue to see a little bit of a paycheck ($750 a week) trickle in each week via the governments JobKeeper program. I'm also quite impressed with how the government has handled things in general, I know very little about the Australian political landscape but all in all I've felt we shut down just the right amount to keep things afloat, yet safe. Considering the devastating numbers popping up all over the globe, things have felt relatively normal here, just a little more lonely and thankfully we are now beginning the reopening phase.

Hopefully this means I'll be back at work next week, I'm sure I'll be missing isolation as soon as I'm a few weeks of work deep, but I'll let hindsight bite me in the butt with that one!


xxx

Some of the things keeping me sane?



ANZAC Biscuits! I made ANZAC biscuits this past Saturday after failing at them for the last however many years while living in the US (Why are you so Anti-Golden Syrup USA? Why?!?) They were as good as I remember.


The most intense paint by numbers I have ever seen! Weirdly therapeutic! I used to like painting because it was super calming but always struggled with what to actually paint, this really fills that void! Am I a paint by numbers convert? I'll let you know in a year when I probably haven't picked up a brush since!



Cross-stitching and Tiger King- I will say, I love when the world falls in a collective documentary pit because then I have so many people to talk to about it! Speaking of, watch McMillions on HBO!


 Nothing like getting all dressed up in your best party dress before realizing you have nowhere to go! 


And of course, puzzling! Notice that piece in the corner is missing? I'm still upset about it and almost positive one of my brothers or father have hidden it from me. It's fine, karma will get 'em!