My Name is Jonas.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Greetings from 6:30am!

Just digging my way out from under a snow bank to let the world know I am alive...freezing cold, and  sick of a climbing over mounds of snow to get anywhere...but alive! 

See you next time when I present my latest findings titled,"The Big Melt: Why are there so many fucking puddles in this city?"

She's my $oup Queen

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

In order to write this I have had to take my hands out from under my 34 bed covers and already I feel the blood slowing and starting to freeze. Remember that really warm December we had? Where we laughed in the face of cold? Yeah.....that's not here anymore.

To make matters worse, just last week this was my current situation...

Nobody lays about and does nothing without Billy's approval.

I was warm...and well rested...and not much else...but hey at least I was those two things!

Now, after 101 airplane Bloody Mary's, I am back in New York....freezing and jet lagged to the nines.

The Sound of...imminent jet lag. 

I never get jet lagged when I go down to Australia, instead my body syncs right up with my families hey-lets-wake-up-at-5am lifestyle, but coming back? This is where I well and truly fuck myself.

Take Monday for example, I fell asleep at 4am and woke up at 5pm, much to my surprise. As I saw the small rays of light through my window, I figured it was the sunrising and that I had won the game, but alas, that was the sun throwing up one final peace sign and laughing in my face as it vanished just moments later.

Last night I skipped sleeping all together. I figured there was no way I would be able to rest when my mind was so awake, so I simply moused around in the darkness while the world slept. When the sun began to rise in the early hours I figured that I would begin to feel drowsy as is generally the case when I force myself to stay awake until the sun returns.

To prevent this I stuck in my headphones, walked around in the freezing cold and slowly lost feeling in my nose. Nothing says, "stay awake sucker" like some freezing cold wind to the face.As I walked past the grocery store, my body was at peak frost bite and therefore my insiders were at peak "give us soup you bitch"

So I did.

Take THAT winter time

Because health....and because cold.

I was feeling very awake and productive....just casually adult-ing (well with a minor hiccup, caused by the fact that I definitely don't own a can opener....ingenuity...oh and the fact I don't know how to change the lightbulb in my bathroom so I have to have candlelit, only really minor adult-ing)


And then 2pm hit....I was crashing. I had a great plan to simply have a power nap before going to bed at 9pm and waking up fresh as a daisy tomorrow morning. I set my alarm for only an hour and half (I used a sleep calculator...that's how serious I was) and I snuggled down to sleep.

As soon as my alarm went off? I laughed in it's stupidly loud, blaring face.

And now here I's 1am and I just woke up, completely well rested and set for another night of pottering except this time it will be followed by a 9 hour shift of yawning and potential tears.

Great life choices, self.


Saturday, October 24, 2015

Many things in life are a given: Every day the sun will rise in the east, rum and ginger beer will always be the ultimate duo, an offering of burritos should always be accepted with a smile and it will always be absolutely impossible to keep a pack of drunk girls out of a photo booth.
Tune in next time for more words of wisdom from me...

...Jordan Turner... guru.

Monday Man.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Tonight I had a momentary lapse of judgement.

I'm not sure what came over me, one minute I was binge watching Law and Order and the next minute I was scrolling through Reformation before my world went black. It felt like only a second and I'm not sure how it happened but suddenly I was awoken from my daze by my phone lighting up across the room, confirmation emails displayed across the screen as hundreds of dollars seeped out of my bank account....

I'm weak. 

Online shopping, you will be the death of me.

Life is a mess.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

I would like to start this post with a personal apology to all those people who are irritated with a humans inability to properly film with an iPhone. I am one of those humans. I have not mastered the art of turning my phone sideways to properly capture the random snippets of generally drunken life that I think deserve to be caught on film. I apologize.

And with that I present to you....a bunch of random clips I found in my video folder on my phone #Imaproblogger.

Fact #1: I'm quick to punch a bitch in the vergina.

Fact #2: I love chicken mcnuggets.

Fact #3: I love Alex.

Fact #4: I'm so accustomed to sibling abuse that I don't even challenge it anymore, just simply ask for some warning so I can put my food down first. 

Fact #5: Getting sunburnt is a great form of weightloss because sometimes it causes you to shed 45 pounds of skin. 

Fact #6: I have a very predominant chicken pox scar I mean look at that thing.

Fact #7: Equality! *Intro to Time of Your Life starts playing*

Fact #8: I'm in an abusive siblingship with my brother. Send Help. 

Fact #9: I love Melanie because she shares my passion for listening to disney music when she thinks nobody is around.

Fact #10: It's important to stay humble and take time out of your day to thank the fans.

Fact #11: New Zealand sheep are cleaner than American sheep.

Fact #12: I can't fit a lot of cheese balls in my mouth.

Fact #13: Peace is everything.

Fact #14: I'm not listening when you speak because I'm too busy staring at my reflection.

Throwback Thursday

Thursday, September 24, 2015

TBT: To that time in my life where I wanted to dress like Wednesday Adams...but not really and only a little bit.

 TBT: When we got really drunk on Strawberita's, got kicked out of a lesbian bar and walked across Manhattan to drink Mike's Hard on a strangers roof.

 TBT: To that time my family had one of our traditional picnics on the floor of a sketchy hotel in Auckland, New Zealand. 

TBT: To Dallas BBQ's....always a mistake.

TBT: To every single night out that ends with me taking reflective selfies in the did I get here? Who am I? What am I doing with my life?

TBT: To standing in the hot sun in ugly robes melting away and inwardly freaking out that high school was about to be a thing of the past.

TBT: To one of our many summer trips to Old Orchard Beach 2011-2014.

TBT: To that trusty book of crosswords we worked on for weeks...this was the final page....we did a lot of school work during high school as you can tell.

TBT: To starting 2015 the only way I know how with New York City, double chins and feathers.