The Lonely Girls Guide to Figuring it Out

Friday, April 5, 2019


It's been over three years since I even looked twice at this poor little blog, which is sad because I love having this electronic record of my messy 18-22 year old self that's trapped within it's posts. Today I randomly saw that this little pocket of my past had 874 views last month. Now, for a dying blog that hasn't been touched for years I don't think that's half bad! To top it off, I've been going through a bit of a... rough patch...if you will....

So I'm back.

For no other reason than my own sanity. I used to write to make other people laugh, or feel better about their own situation, now I'm writing for my own confused self. In 2019, I'm not sure blogging is really still even a thing. The world now lives in video, or Instagram stories, nobody has time for blogs anymore! So this is really for an audience of just little old me, like a semi-public diary I can look back on one day!

So what's happened in the three years I've been away?

I left New York City via one way flight to Los Angeles a few years ago now. I left confused and unprepared (honestly, slap that on my gravestone) with just three suitcases in hand (and after hysterically crying and having a complete meltdown the night before.) I've gone through breakups, seen friendships bloom and also crumble, had countless jobs, took my ass back to school, searched for myself at the bottom of tequila bottles, dyed my hair, plumped my lips, gained weight, cried a bit and now here I am.

I'm 25.

When I was younger I thought 25 was the perfect age to get married. I thought I would toil away at my career in my early twenties, settle down and have kids by 27.

My younger self was so wrong.

In fact I can honestly say I haven't felt any less together than I do at this very moment. These past few weeks I've either been traveling between cities for work, or working from home which means I've spent way to much time with myself and my mind, and it's crazy how loneliness can really do something crazy to your head.

I used to think my best quality was my confidence in who I was and what I had to offer, my ability to not need any other person. I was always independent and completely fine with doing my own thing. I could do whatever I wanted because I wanted to do it like packing up all my belongings and moving to New York City, or to Los Angeles. I approached each day with an I don't fucking care attitude and was the queen of just keepin' it moving.

But what 25 has taught me is I'm also incredibly scared of a lot of things. I can't be vulnerable. I care too much about what others think of me. I'm so afraid of showing weakness that I just don't try because you can't fail at things you never start. I am guarded, and apprehensive. I don't say yes enough. I'm so extremely afraid of being hurt that I don't let others in at all. I isolate myself and I build everything up inside me until there is nowhere for it to go but shoot out of me in every single direction.

I have decided to make a change.

I want to put myself out there, and figure out who the heck I am! I don't want to look back on the next five years of my life and realize I stumbled around in the same circle through friendships and relationships and jobs and nights out and days in and tears and tequila bottles and ended up at the same place. I want to figure out that rubik's cube that is myself if it's the last thing I do!

This little diary of sorts is how I'm going to hold myself accountable.

Let's see how this goes...

My Name is Jonas.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Greetings from 6:30am!

Just digging my way out from under a snow bank to let the world know I am alive...freezing cold, and  sick of a climbing over mounds of snow to get anywhere...but alive! 

See you next time when I present my latest findings titled,"The Big Melt: Why are there so many fucking puddles in this city?"

She's my $oup Queen

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

In order to write this I have had to take my hands out from under my 34 bed covers and already I feel the blood slowing and starting to freeze. Remember that really warm December we had? Where we laughed in the face of cold? Yeah.....that's not here anymore.

To make matters worse, just last week this was my current situation...

Nobody lays about and does nothing without Billy's approval.

I was warm...and well rested...and not much else...but hey at least I was those two things!

Now, after 101 airplane Bloody Mary's, I am back in New York....freezing and jet lagged to the nines.

The Sound of...imminent jet lag. 

I never get jet lagged when I go down to Australia, instead my body syncs right up with my families hey-lets-wake-up-at-5am lifestyle, but coming back? This is where I well and truly fuck myself.

Take Monday for example, I fell asleep at 4am and woke up at 5pm, much to my surprise. As I saw the small rays of light through my window, I figured it was the sunrising and that I had won the game, but alas, that was the sun throwing up one final peace sign and laughing in my face as it vanished just moments later.

Last night I skipped sleeping all together. I figured there was no way I would be able to rest when my mind was so awake, so I simply moused around in the darkness while the world slept. When the sun began to rise in the early hours I figured that I would begin to feel drowsy as is generally the case when I force myself to stay awake until the sun returns.

To prevent this I stuck in my headphones, walked around in the freezing cold and slowly lost feeling in my nose. Nothing says, "stay awake sucker" like some freezing cold wind to the face.As I walked past the grocery store, my body was at peak frost bite and therefore my insiders were at peak "give us soup you bitch"

So I did.

Take THAT winter time

Because health....and because cold.

I was feeling very awake and productive....just casually adult-ing (well with a minor hiccup, caused by the fact that I definitely don't own a can opener....ingenuity...oh and the fact I don't know how to change the lightbulb in my bathroom so I have to have candlelit, only really minor adult-ing)


And then 2pm hit....I was crashing. I had a great plan to simply have a power nap before going to bed at 9pm and waking up fresh as a daisy tomorrow morning. I set my alarm for only an hour and half (I used a sleep calculator...that's how serious I was) and I snuggled down to sleep.

As soon as my alarm went off? I laughed in it's stupidly loud, blaring face.

And now here I's 1am and I just woke up, completely well rested and set for another night of pottering except this time it will be followed by a 9 hour shift of yawning and potential tears.

Great life choices, self.


Saturday, October 24, 2015

Many things in life are a given: Every day the sun will rise in the east, rum and ginger beer will always be the ultimate duo, an offering of burritos should always be accepted with a smile and it will always be absolutely impossible to keep a pack of drunk girls out of a photo booth.
Tune in next time for more words of wisdom from me...

...Jordan Turner... guru.

Monday Man.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Tonight I had a momentary lapse of judgement.

I'm not sure what came over me, one minute I was binge watching Law and Order and the next minute I was scrolling through Reformation before my world went black. It felt like only a second and I'm not sure how it happened but suddenly I was awoken from my daze by my phone lighting up across the room, confirmation emails displayed across the screen as hundreds of dollars seeped out of my bank account....

I'm weak. 

Online shopping, you will be the death of me.

Life is a mess.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

I would like to start this post with a personal apology to all those people who are irritated with a humans inability to properly film with an iPhone. I am one of those humans. I have not mastered the art of turning my phone sideways to properly capture the random snippets of generally drunken life that I think deserve to be caught on film. I apologize.

And with that I present to you....a bunch of random clips I found in my video folder on my phone #Imaproblogger.

Fact #1: I'm quick to punch a bitch in the vergina.

Fact #2: I love chicken mcnuggets.

Fact #3: I love Alex.

Fact #4: I'm so accustomed to sibling abuse that I don't even challenge it anymore, just simply ask for some warning so I can put my food down first. 

Fact #5: Getting sunburnt is a great form of weightloss because sometimes it causes you to shed 45 pounds of skin. 

Fact #6: I have a very predominant chicken pox scar I mean look at that thing.

Fact #7: Equality! *Intro to Time of Your Life starts playing*

Fact #8: I'm in an abusive siblingship with my brother. Send Help. 

Fact #9: I love Melanie because she shares my passion for listening to disney music when she thinks nobody is around.

Fact #10: It's important to stay humble and take time out of your day to thank the fans.

Fact #11: New Zealand sheep are cleaner than American sheep.

Fact #12: I can't fit a lot of cheese balls in my mouth.

Fact #13: Peace is everything.

Fact #14: I'm not listening when you speak because I'm too busy staring at my reflection.