The best kind of days.

Have you ever dreaded something so much it made you physically ill? It's that one thing, the worst possible outcome to a situation. You know that eventually that time will come and as you wait for it your stomach knots and you quickly start mentally watching Forrest Gump to feel ok again? That gut wrenching wait ended for me today, and I was shocked with the outcome.

 I was supposed to be depressed, shed a tear and need hugs from all those willing, yet I felt amazing. It was the end I had been waiting for. It was as if a weight got lifted and as I stood in a grimy bar surrounded by swarms of tipsy strangers instead of feeling depressed like I had expected I felt elated.

I clicked off my phone and smiled at my friend as she gave me the oddest of looks.

"What is that face?"

"I just got the worst news and the best news all at once....I don't feel that was supposed to devastate me had zero effect....I'm oddly so happy I could scream."

Confused and happy banter occurred and now it is like I can finally think clearly. The elephant blocking the judgement segment of my murky and confused brain finally sprinted away.

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm stuck between where I was, and where I'm going. I'm in a nowhere space wandering around looking for substance. I don't know what I want or who I want or where I want to end up, and up until today this frightened me.

I'm at a place in my life where those around me have five year plans, are considering marriage and children and then there is me. Petrified by any type of commitment, committing my time to the most beautifully pointless of tasks with no real sense of true direction.

Yet, I can finally say I am happy here.

Instead of feeling like the hand of a compass frantically spinning desperate for direction, I feel like a four year old happily twirling until the world seesaws and I'm forced plonk down into the spot where destiny throws me.

Whether I stay in New York just that little while longer or I move on to bigger and better, is still a million pro/con lists away. But for right now, I'm completely content with who, what and where I got.

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