I really hate bodies.

Let's talk about boobs.

Or more specifically the fact that my left boob weighs about 5 pounds more than my right. After many long hours of mirror scoping, I honestly can't see much of a difference but boy do I feel it. For years I was convinced there was a tumor or something festering within it's fleshy compounds, weighing it down.

( I have also noticed that men seem to like it way more that it's fraternal sister....probably TMI)

I'm not sure if there is really any massive difference between the ladies and I'm not sure there is any proper way to measure and see but something I do know is that the weight pulling at my left side chest as I walk constantly makes me think of the heart it protects.

Once I notice it, I can't stop. I walk in step to the beat and the rhythmic pulsing drives me as close to insanity as possible before easing on the gas. My mind races and ponders that this drumming, like heels on the dirtied Manhattan streets, is all I really am. When I get flustered or nervous, it races to try and keep up with my mind and when I'm calming down it eases up to coo me off to sleep. If it stops, I stop. 

By this stage of my walk, I'm so deep in the rabbit hole I can no longer see the top. I suddenly feel pools of blood beneath my heels, my skin suddenly feels like a thick wax coating and the saliva in my mouth feels dense enough that I'm almost sure it will drown me.

I feel disconnected from this sack of blood and fibers, and it's the only time I think there may be life after this body crumbles. 

Have you ever seen the Scooby Doo movie? Where the souls are sucked out of the gangs bodies and appear as ominous,silvery orbs. That is what I feel like, a puddle of mercury gliding around inside a being, yelling at the epicenter to wiggle it's toes to make sure I'm still in charge of this thing.

...I have weird thoughts.

I have also spent the last 3 hours listening to Jagged Little Pill on repeat and writing in one of my journals. So I'm knee deep in thoughts right now.

Something I noticed as well, is that if I'm having writers block it's generally because my brain is too full and I need to make some room. It's normally made by taking the person I was studing on the Subway this morning, out. But general little shapes work too. 5 minutes of pen scribbling and I'm cured. 

Don't worry. I'll definitely stick to words over image!

K. I have to go eat lasagna now.

You scream, you leeaaaaaarrrrrn.

No comments:

Post a Comment