I'm not as broody as this blog would make you believe over the last few days. I can't even handle a boyfriend without getting flakey and uninterested and running away like a big baby, I obviously can't handle a child! After yesterdays post about advice for my future daughter though, I figured it would be only fair to give her brother some advice as well....
Dearest male womb tenant ,
Always remember...
- I may have birthed you but please don't pee on me....or anybody for that matter...you are not R.Kelly, get it together.
- Don't ignore your family. You will want to, it's in your blood. But don't. One day we wouldn't be here and you will be sad....plus I'm really nice and funny so you are missing out.
- If your sister wants to hang out with you don't run away and leave her on the side of the street for her father to find on his way home from work (Ask your Uncle!)
- Treat woman the way you would want your sister to be treated.
- Girls can be really mean.
- And a little crazy.
- And they cry.
- And they don't make much sense....
- ...hopefully, you are gay.
- All joking aside, if you are gay, just shoot me a text about it. Don't over analyze how it makes you different and know that it doesn't change a thing. Don't let it eat you up inside.
- On the flip side if you are straight and you get a girl pregnant in high school...run....because I'm coming for you.
- Don't leave everything until the last minute.
- Don't be consumed by the stigma that you need to be a provider and make lots of money...do what you love and the rest will follow.
- You will probably be tall......you're welcome....you may be a ginger though....I'm sorry.
- Be thankful the balding gene skips a generation....Apologize to your son and don't be mean to your uncle! He can't help it!
- Skateboard. Girls love skateboarders....or not. Do what you love...I'm just saying, keep it in mind.
- But really, do what you love. Just bare in mind that if your passion is ribbon dancing, your Granddad will make fun of you....actually he will make fun of you for a lot of things....he is like that. You learn to love him.
- Be a gentleman.
- Don't let people walk all over you.
- Hold your own.
- Stay away from drugs and prison.
- If your friends think I'm cute, totally let me know because I'm going to be so far past my prime that I really need that reassurance....also, don't be a hater. I'm not like those regular mums, I'm a cool Mum (That is a movie reference you will probably never understand....damn son, I'm old!)
- Don't be a slutty drinker.
- Don't smoke. If I catch you smoking cigarettes I wouldn't make you smoke the whole pack or ground you...I will murder you.
- Don't drink and drive.
- Be the kind of man that is loved by his in laws.
- Don't break anybody's heart.
- Don't break anybody's jaw.
- Don't break my windows playing ball in the front yard.
- Don't be a bully.
- Call your Mum.
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