4 years later.

It's currently 4:27am.

My sleep meditation video isn't working and I'm wide awake, so you know we are about to get deep.

In March of 2015 I wrote a blog post called Give it a year.


I think about this post a lot.

It's been over 4 years and yet somehow I find myself in that exact same position. If I scrunch up my eyes and breathe for a second, it actually feels like I am that 22 year old girl in her New York City apartment wanting away her days.

Now I'm 26, in my Los Angeles apartment, still rummaging around for my place in life.

One of my biggest fears is that I will live my whole life as "the grass is always greener" girl.

The worst part of this whole tale is the older I get, the more I watch people find their place in life and settle in deep.

Suddenly it becomes harder to connect to new people because they are stationary and you are flashing by, leaving behind nothing more than a faint whooshing sound.

I'm somebody who has only really experienced loss once in my life, yet I spend most of my time bracing for the impact from the next blow.

This makes it hard to let people in.

If I get attached it means that I will one day have to experience another loss.

If I don't have you, I can't lose you.

If I whoosh by, you will never notice I was even there.

I'm hoping one day I break out of it.

I know the ball is in my court, but I don't quite know the rules of the game yet.

Sometimes I'm proud of my ability to move to a brand new place all on my own and run a lap on a new track. I'm able to keep the pace, before circling back to where I started and firing off in another direction. Other times, I'm jealous of those people who have everything they need in the bubble in which they started and have no need or desire to venture off in search of anything more.

When I wrote that post four years ago I was publicly telling myself to get it together. It's still a work in progress and even though I cry and worry, I want to believe deep down I'll end up exactly where I need to be.

I really hope that in four years time when I'm newly 30 looking back on this post (and the one before it), that I have a better result.

I really hope the next step is the right one.

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