I used to party on a I do this with my life...#sobriety

Buzzfeed gave me this.

I gave them....well....this

1. On average, how many times a week do you hurt yourself trying to dance in the shower?
Never...but once I was giving it hell and accidentally broke our shower curtain rod. My roommates continually bitched about it falling down for a week or so until King Thomas managed to fix it....they must never know. 
2. What’s the most money you’ve ever drunkenly spent at McDonald’s?
A lot, because apparently, "I'm sorry Mam' in order to use the restroom you must be a customer." translates to, "You have to buy not just a small fry...EVERYTHING...OR ELSE THEY WILL NOT LET YOU PEE...YOUR BLADDER WILL EXPLODE." 
3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how intolerable do you find baby pictures on Facebook?
zero. Because I have a soul and babes are babes. 
4. How many bowls of cereal do you eat every single day and why aren’t you eating more?
zero because zero.
5. Who would you let punch you directly in the face?
Like maybe a cute baby....but that is even pushing it. 
6. How many days have you gone without showering?

Probably like a million when I was 4 and showering was satan, I just reapplied my powder blue eyeshadow and marched outside to play.
7. How old were you when you realized Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny probably never actually knew one another in real life?

Probably pretty  young, I never had time for that baby crap, I was a big girl with places to go and people to see.
8. Can you fit your whole fist in your mouth?
"Uhm...what are you doing?" - My ever understanding baby boy as he watches me almost break all my teeth with my fist.
....oh and No.
9. What’s your favorite flavor of Skittle?
All of them in large handfuls hurtaling towards the back of my throat. 
10. How many sandwiches have you eaten off the floor?
Literally zero, get your life together Buzzfeed.
11. How many bottles of wine have you finished without ever actually pouring any of the wine into a glass?
Literally all of them, get your life together Jordyn.
12. Who was your favorite Power Ranger?
Pink, because I have a vagina.
13. What did you do the night Whitney Houston died?
I looked it up, apparently she died in February of 2012....I was probably being a sloppy drunk 18 year old...but who honestly knows, I could have been at church.
14. How many donuts are you capable of eating in one sitting?
All of them.
15. Who was your favorite Spice Girl?
Baby Spice or die.
16. How violently do you have to fight the urge to scream when you hear the ice cream truck coming?
I'm a grown adult.... I have a credit card that can make ice-cream appear at my door whenever I desire....suck it kids.
17. Say there’s like a whole box of Teddy Grahams in a room all by themselves. Say I left them there and told you not to eat any until I got back. How long would you take you to disobey my wishes?
I wouldn't because I'm not an asshole....or 3 hours because by that time you are most likely dead so I mean fair game. 
18. How many Taylor Swift songs do you actually listen to every single day?
If you can honestly say Shake it Off doesn't make you literally shake it off, you are a liar. 
19. How long after you feel full do you keep eating for?
Literally until death.
21. Do you agree that Harry Potter was a huge asshole and probably the least exciting character in the entire series? Like, he spent seven years terrorizing his friends with his own problems, ya know? They had their own shit going on and here comes Harry Fucking Potter just fucking shit up left and RIGHT? They had lives, too. They all had lives, Harry. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

If it wasn't for Harry all those motherfuckers would have been dead because it was that little punk ass baby you stopped the Dark Lord, so fucking respect your saviour.
22. How many people do you fall in love with every day?

Literally everybody.
23. How many friendships have you ruined because you refused to play a game of Monopoly mercifully?

If you can honestly tell me you made it through an entire game of Monopoly, than I mean congrats on wasting too much of your damn time. 
24. What do you do when a baby just stares at you in public? Like, doesn’t even blink, just maintains intense, aggressive eye contact with their dumb baby face. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION?

You smile and wave at it, maybe scrunch up your nose a little...or you flip that motherfucker off....I mean there are really only two options
25. What is your favorite kind of cookie?

Tim Tams because duh.
26. How long do you wait after finishing your first plate of food before getting a second plate of food?

I prefer the human centipede of plates, there isn't really an end it just kind of keeps refilling whilst I eat....this analogy has very little to do with the human was simply on my mind. 
27. When you’re at a buffet, how many trays of food do you start off with?

Yeah man skip plates, go straight to trays. 
28. What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever unintentionally vomited?

Underneath my ex's I hanging off it...apparently that was where he kept all his I guess all over my ex's shoes? 
29. What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever intentionally vomited?

Out my bedroom window on like every morning of my life? Don't worry it simply goes on to my neighbors roof....or the dead bird that is rotting away on my fire escape...whichever. 
30. If I gave you $10 bucks to go buy me chocolate milk, and it only cost $3, would you bring me all the change or would you tell me it was actually $10? Because I’ll know. I’ll know chocolate milk doesn’t cost that much.

What I've gathered from this survey is that whoever wrote it definitely needs some new fucking friends.
31. How many seconds would it take you to eat this entire block of cheese?

I tend to buy some, be mad hyped for like a bite....let it rot away in my fridge for years and then randomly remember I have it and being like fuck yeah mama's going to eat some cheese! Before pulling it out and noticing it is now officially green and being sad.
32. Have you ever found the image of a biblical figure on a piece of toast?

I'm nearing the end of my rope with your basic ass questions Buzzfeed. 
33. How long does it take you to scroll through Facebook before giving up?

I get about two mouse clicks and then get bored and go and read my own timeline because I'm so much more hilarious than everybody else...obviously.
34. Who do you just hate the most?

George Clooney's home wrecking wife?
35. Do you think Zac Efron is really nice in real life or does he just walk around with his abs out telling people to go fetch him vegetables?

Do you know Zac Efron didn't sing any of the songs in the High School Musical 1? Like come the fuck on Zac, get your head in the game. 
36. What’s your favorite thing to order from the Olive Garden?

My girlfriends and I always used to order Strawberry I mean fuck Strawberry Daiquiris but you have to respect a tradition....

37. How many times does it take for you to listen to a song that you love before you actually hate it instead?

Never times. 
38. Do you ever stop and think about the number of butts in the world? Like. Woah. Am I RIGHT?

Remember the end of my rope we spoke of? This is it. Bye hataz.

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