Oh Bummer (Warning: I'm not sober...or am I?....I'm not.)

Right now I'm having two major issues in life...

The first is that I keep having reoccurring dreams that the Kardashians are framing me for murder. I'm not even sure who I'm murdering, all I know is I'm waking up exhausted, like seriously if you could all booty bounce your way out of my nightmares....that would be great.

The second?


A few days (or eternities...honestly I've lost track) ago, I awoke in my usual confused blur and rolled on into my kitchen searching for sustenance....instead I was met with bugs...millions of bugs. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a random occurrence, they were graciously welcomed by numerous things, namely my roommate leaving a giant bowl of kale (he's one of those) out for them in a drunken haze (kale being your drunk food of choice may be the bigger travesty here!) I honestly feel like they are multiplying by the hundreds. I'm at my breaking point man. How do you get rid of fruit flies? (say vinegar traps as if I haven't tried that and don't be surprised if I push you down the stairs!)I'm about to set the apartment on fire, that is how desperate I am!

As you can tell by all the excitement in this post, my life has been thrilling recently. A thrilling, hot mess, blurry mass of fuckery. Adulthood really isn't all I had hoped it would be.... In fact I'm reminded of this fact every freakin' day at work when my coworker insists on playing Ain't it Fun by Paramore and every day I want to punch her in the face for reminding me that a freakin' Paramore song actually relates to my life, like that's a bad sign homie...also, fuck you I'll cry to my Mumma if I fucking want, Williams....

or I'll cry to my girlfriends whilst I gulp down tequila, honestly either one works.

aka this afternoon I went and drank too many margaritas with my friends.

I love them (my humans....oh well and margaritas.)

oh and guac!

So there you have it. I live a very mundane life as of late, made only less mundane by the fact that I live in New York and sometimes your day is interrupted by a person going into labor on the train (Sunday), or a man serenading you on the subway platform (Monday) or the President rolling into town and blocking off every single street (Tuesday). 

I understand that being the President is an important job (or something...) but if he honestly wanted to get somewhere safely maybe blocking off all of Manhattan, causing crowds of people to form and making a huge freaking scene, isn't the way to do that?  But what would I know, I'm just an impatient redhead about an inch away from hurdling over this barrier and risking getting shot because I'm dying to wear a lame sombrero and swim in a puddle of tequila....actually yeah, maybe you shouldn't take my advice P-rez.


He waved at me.....only me....none of these 200 other people...just me....we have a bond.

Jordyn Obama.

Sorry Michelle.


It's 1am, time to go and ingest 75 cents worth of artificial sugar.

#cleaneating #fitspo #summerbod

P.S. I just got home and Kitty McDumpling face was laying in the kitchen waiting for me. I think she is trying to kill me...maybe she heard I wanted to get rid of her....I'm sorry...I think she is upset about the fruit flies too...

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