Nothing like a small heart attack to start the morning right.

Goodbye Kitty,see you soon! Love you forever. 

Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for adulthood. This morning was one of those times. Imagine if you will, a slumbering redhead laying on a pile of unfolded clothes she has yet to pack for her 7 am flight. The original plan was to pack the night before but beer and boys got in the way of that and like a predictable teen movie she had blown off responsiblility  in favour of a good time. Now as her alarm clock abused the airwaves in her peacefully quiet apartment she was slowly realizing what a terrible idea that was. 

I'm so predictable, it is almost comical how late I leave almost everything. With my car arriving at 6 am, I swear my last item wasn't packed until at least 6:05 and it wasn't until my cab was zooming towards JFK that I had a second to process how tired I really was (A large family is now currently staring at me so I'm sure I look as exhausted as I truly am). Now I must point out, although I appear to have no problem leaving things until the last minute, in all actuality it gives me large amounts of anxiety. I can't even tell you how many times I googled how many ounces of liquids I was allowed before checking the label on every single bottle I own (followed by a mini heart attack…what if they confiscated my Burberry London!?!? That was $100 bucks, maybe I should leave it behind…I even thought about spraying it pump by pump it into a smaller bottle) it isn't until I'm happily through security that I can truly breath again (although apparently they actually give zero fucks because you don't even have to take you laptop out anymore!). You would honestly think it was my first flight the level of anxiety and number of triple checks I make, the one thing I didn't happen to check? What airport I was flying out of!

It was honestly a scene out of Friends….oh wait that is because that was EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS (see: Friends Finale!) I wandered in to the airport and dragged my little bag (perfectly within airline regulation size!) over to the self service check in. After entering my flight number 45 times, I finally decided I should probably pull up my email to double check the flight number, that was when I finally saw the giant LGA next to my flight. I reopened the page, that is how sure I was that my eyes were just overtired.

"Excuse me can you confirm that this says LaGuardia and I am officially the stupidest person alive?" The American Airlines worker patrolling the kiosks assured me that I am the biggest idiot alive and within two seconds I was running out of the airport as fast as my little heels could take me. 

Nice to meet you, I'm the worst.

Thankfully for me, my anxious nature also makes me habitually early for everything so I can thankfully say that I made my flight in time. In fact I am currently sitting at my gate surrounded by screaming children certain that if they are sitting near me on the flight I may murder one…or seven of them by the end of this flight. 

Airport thoughts-

• Fly by Sugar ray was in my head all morning, what a tune. 

• The lady lint rolling her pants next to me knows how to do life, bringing a lint roller on a flight? WHO THINKS OF THIS SHIT.

• I love now children have no sense of social awkwardness and will stare at you dead on for ten minutes….and by that I mean, stop looking at me kid your scaring me.

• I. need. a . bagel. right. now.

• The lamest guy is sitting next to me talking way too loudly on the phone. He has called three different people so far and told them all the same damn story whilst using words like dealio and "give you a jingle". staaaaaahp.

• The other day my Dad sent me a selfie so I sent him a selfie back and he told me I had developed wrinkles that I didn't have in my teen's....How Rude!

If anybody needs me I'll be over here being old. 

• (I am posting this from Texas because these assholes don't block their wifi like stingy New Yorkers do!)\

Oh....another list...

I have become so lazy with this blog that all I can ever think of doing is writing a list about the bullshit thoughts that happen in my twisted mind. But hey! I already told you I was a sucker for tradition so why change that now...


In the last 24 hours...

• Today on the subway I kept looking at the people around me and imagining them as skeletons. Have you ever thought about how weird that is? Look at a person and imagine if all their skin just melted off and it was just these weird yellowy bone faces staring at you....side note: don't do drugs kids. 

• This morning my best friend and I sat in bed for 2 hours passing a 2 litre bottle of coke back and forth whilst scrolling through her tumblr and hysterically dying of laughter. 

My personal favourites-

• I have decided that the movie based on my life will start with Neil Armstrong stepping foot on to the moon, and then the camera will zoom off over to earth and do that cliche movie thing where it rapidly zooms in, down on to North America, then New York weaving through the streets and right into my bedroom window to find me lying in bed watching Netflix and eating a burrito. Just so the audience is immediately aware of how much I have achieved in the first 20 years of my life.  

• Last night my friends and I went to a going away party where we knew a total of two people....

       Gal Pal: Ugh ok so what now?
       Me: Let's Fla-mingle....
       Dude Sitting Next to us: *Reaches hand out for a high five* Mad props for that one.
       Me: Thanks I saw it on a napkin once...


AND PEOPLE THAT IS HOW YOU MAKE FRIENDS!

Quickie catch-up

Too busy glowing, no time to blog.

• The other night I kissed a lovely boy. Turns out he knows a boy I used to kiss a lot last year (I awkwardly texted said boy to verify this fact)....I think this is a sign this city is officially too small and I should leave and never come back

• I ate way too many Veggie straws this afternoon.....ugh

• Somedays I want to move home to Australia but then I remember they don't have Netflix there and I laugh at myself for being so ridiculous

• I lose my phone about 232 times a week. I'm almost 99% sure I drunkenly hide it to avoid embarrassing myself with drunken texts. This morning it showed up in a shoe at my friends place....pesky little bugger.

• I'm writing this from a restaurant on my phone due to the fact that I find it very hard to blog on the weekends and I don't want my mother to think I died.

Still alive homie!

In the last 24 hours...

...I scampered around in a coral covered mini dress in the pouring rain- 

...I met the rudest lady in New York City-

"MOVE IN! MOVE YOUR ASSES IN" The train fell silent as the boom box pushed her way onto the crowded 6 train. If there is one thing I hate, it's miserable people who go about their day smashing flowers and growling at babies, this is what this woman was.

It was rush hour on a rainy day in New York, at a time when, get this, the MTA was experiencing some delay (shocking) so the trains were slightly overcrowded. Everybody had a soured expression plastered on there face but at the end of the day we all knew we were in this mess together.Not this woman though, she seemed to think she was the only person experiencing any kind of inconvenience. 

"GET OUT!" She would yell at the lovely Swedish (honestly they could have been from Uzbekistan for all I know) tourists as they politely bobbed and weaved out of the train. My blood was honestly boiling, the act of being a complete and utter misery to people who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it is pathetic. This lady was just asking to be slapped and I swear if it wasn't for the many pairs of rolling eyes reassuring me that we all wanted the same common goal, I may have done it myself.

"Excuse me, can you be quiet?" She spat at an older gentleman pointing out a destination to his wife on the hanging map of Manhattan. 

I had reached my limit. I got up and weaved towards the lady as she slumped against the doors and... I walked right past her, because anybody this depressing deserved absolutely zero seconds of my time. 

...I did that lame white girl thing where we start a juice cleanse, and then swiftly break that juice cleanse-

...I drove around in circles for an hour because my roommate's the worst (But I love him!)- 

I am a terrible driver. This little fact is not a secret so when my roommate asked me to help him move his car I was a little worried about how many of us would make it out of this alive, but being the amazingly loving and perfect roommate I am, I agreed.

Little did I know that casually moving a car in order to obey street cleaning rules very swiftly turned in to driving up and down the same blocks over and over again for two hours at 11pm searching aimlessly for a spot whilst my roommate sat next to me tapping away on Instagram and listened to The Pixies. 

As I slowly approached my breaking point and after Kevin had yelled, "THERE'S ONE!" to an empty park on the complete wrong side of the street for about the 100th time, we finally found one that I managed to poorly roll on in to and then book it out of there before anybody noticed I was at least 2 feet away from the curb.

...I spent some time with Marilyn- 

...My friend bought me Spree-

I have an amazing memory, in fact my best friend always tells me the only reason we are friends is because she knows I will remember her life for her once we are old and grey, she's super charming as you can tell. If I am told something once, I generally remember it no matter how insignificant said fact may be. Because of this I have learned to accept that I will generally know more about my friends. and the things they love, then they know about me. 

Today on my way uptown I had to make a quick stop off at my friends apartment to pick up my wallet that I casually just leave everywhere apparently. After being let in by his roommate I ran in to his room to find not only my wallet by also a box of Spree. 

I love Spree. They make my mouth tingle in all the right ways and although I know how much I love them, I didn't think anybody else did! I was apparently wrong because on the back of the box was a post it, 

"Saw these. Thought of you!" 

It's always lovely to be thought of, even if it's only for a split second whilst in a dirty bodega surrounded by old ramen and a few stray cats.

...my Dad kept it real (sucks to suck boys!)-

Dear Future Employers- DON'T READ THIS... (You to Dad!)

Today whilst in a job interview for a Social Media position, the interviewer asked me what I blog about.

"Uhm...mainly food and my drunken escapades...." Actually, It now suddenly makes complete sense why I will not be employed there.

Then whilst waiting on the subway, ready to head home for a hot and heavy night of washing my clothes and cleaning out my nasty fridge, I found this article!

And I realized...hey! That is what everybody blogs about, and if you can't beat em' join em' So I present to you, a small excerpt of the much bigger novel, "Jordyn: I think I drink too much"


That time we broke into a strangers mansion to throw a party
(Techincally I was sober when we made the mistake....but I wasn't so sober when I sloshed the Grey Goose I stole from their fridge all over the white carpet...so it counts)

I grew up in a town covered in summer homes on the lake that lay vacant 99.4% of the year. The best thing about huge empty mansions? You can party in them and nobody will ever know! So that's what we did. It was the smartest decision my best friend and I ever made. We invited everyone we knew, and then we realized we lived in a town of 100 people...so we just invited strangers. The night was filled with way too much beer pong, spanking my friends sister way too many times, royally cock blocking my friend (Sorry Homie) and a lovely gentleman who could pull his front teeth out and would keep them in a used Vicodin bottle he carried around with him. Nobody would have suspected a thing either...if someone hadn't throw up inside a hand towel and then hang it up for an unsuspecting home owner.

(Sorry 'bout it)

That time I scaled a fire escape and almost fell to my death. 

 The night started like any other, at our local bar full of familiar faces and a little too much alcohol. One thing lead to another and before I knew it the bar did that annoying thing it does and closed! So we took the gathering swiftly back to the apartment....except oh no! Every single person who lived there at the time had forgotten their keys (or at least that is what they told me)! How were we going to get back to the millions of cupcakes locked just a few floors up? That was all the inspiration I needed,

"I got this! GIVE ME A BOOST!" I then proceeded to climb four stories, in five inch heels and a mini dress (that had wiggled it's way up and was basically just a shirt at this point). Luckily for me, a kind (see: tired and furiously angry) stranger let me in through her window and allowed me access to the hallway, where I swiftly met up with my laughing friends who "suddenly found their key"....reflecting back I think I forgave them a little too quickly for ALMOST KILLING ME!



That time I knocked myself out. 

I told my roommates they could throw a party (I'm not some kind of overlord...my name is just on the lease) with one condition, that nobody got too rowdy. Thankfully 99% of the party guests respected our apartment and kept it somewhat tame, except for one guest, aaaaand yeah you're looking at her. In my defense, I had spent the whole day drinking Margaritas on my friends roof, before coming home for my roommates little shindig. I had also failed to realize that I didn't actually eat a thing before drinking 45 flamingoes (yep, flamingoes) full of Whiskey. I don't remember much of the event but the small snippets I do remember involve me swan diving onto my bed, smashing the side of my head on a widow aaaaand knocking myself the fuck out. Don't drink and dive kids (HAH got myself a little there).

(Sorry 'bout it)

That time I got rowdy with total strangers....well one of the times. 

A few years ago I liked to drag a friend of mine through hell. I would basically just get wasted and prance around on the lawn in front of his building, crying and cock blocking him for my sheer enjoyment (I had a very valid reason for distress but would poorly drown this reason in alcohol and alas, annoyance). One night though, he had enough and did what he should have done the first time this happened and went the fuck to bed (forgot to mention this tended to happen at 4 am). So I went out to find someone else to annoy. I didn't have to look far though because like clockwork a group of college kids came rolling in to go have some extreme flip cup showdown in the same building! The stars aligned and a few minutes later I was a few floors up flippin' mad cups, sinkin' mad brewskis, bro'ing down with strangers. Long Story short: I never saw them again.


That time I fell in love with a homeless man. 

In one of my great drunken disappearing acts (just scroll down a few posts, it's there), I met the love of my life; A jolly old homeless man sitting around the corner from the bar mumbling away to himself.

"Hello!"

"Hello pretty young thing," Shucks dude, give a woman some warning. 

"Are you ok down there?"  Our little chat went on for a good 15 minutes, he even offered me a corner of his cardboard box....I declined. My drunken heart felt quite sorry for the old gentleman, a veteran he told me (Reflecting back, that was most likely bullshit) so I did what any unsuspecting 18 year old would do, I gave him all the money I had on me ($23...big spender). But then I took it one step further,

"Be right back Joe!" I yelled before dashing past the bouncer (obviously doing a terrible job, I'M 18 DUDE) and over to my group of friends.

"Sam I need cash, do you have any?" My friend pulled out his wallet and offered me the crisp $50 and I was off again like Joe's little bitch doing his dirty work for him. He was overjoyed with my findings, Sam? Not so much.

I'm almost 100% sure I missed my calling in life.

The other day at work I was casually hanging and steaming some dresses, going about my merry business when I was interrupted by my lovely coworker.

"Are you singing over there?"

"I'm humming....Spoonful of Sugar from Mary Poppins to be exact!"

"Oh god you really are a Disney Princess...."

Suddenly, the world aligned and it all made sense....



#1: Let's just take it back to a few blog posts ago....

#2: Sometimes I have full blown conversations with animals. Kitty Meows is quite the character, now if  I could only get her to dress me in the morning and brush my hair I would be all set!

#3: I like to blast this song whilst I clean my apartment. Although instead of a ball gown, I like to do it in my underwear....and this is why I am always hated by all roommates. Oh and I haven't trained my pigeons to pitch in yet....lazy!

(Why yes that is my very own dead bird next to a nest of other birds right outside my window...thank you for noticing)

#4: I'm naturally attracted to misogynistic assholes, and if that isn't the key to any true Disney plot I don't know what is!

#5: I have to use every ounce of will power I have to refrain from singing A Whole New World whilst taking my friends somewhere for the first time. Just last week I tried it on Tori's first trip to Sweet Revenge and she very swiftly shut that down. hater.

#6: I often find myself exclaiming "Oh Sugar Biscuits!"

(Although this may have less to do with my Disney destiny and more to do with the fact that I once worked at a day care and it was strongly frowned upon to call your baby toe a cunt after smashing it on a stray toy truck.)

#7: I fall in love too hard, too fast and way too often...even if sometimes it is with food.

Still my Prince Charming

#8: Uhm have you seen how I dress?

You are what you eat.....and I eat a lot of cupcakes.