I'm starting a relationship with Cool Ranch Doritos...nobody can stop me!

My ex-boyfriend is in town which means I can't be *cue little baby Jordyn hiding under her covers on a Saturday night*. Firstly, No! Technically I don't have to be hidden, but we are in a very weird little space and since we run in literally almost the exact same circle, I would rather just not entertain the idea. Honestly I'm not all too bummed about my night, as previously mentioned I quite enjoy my own company.

In fact I have spent my night clicking away editing my book, eating chocolate covered gummy bears and listening to Harry Connick Jr's Christmas album....sorted!

Oh and watching my roommate shampoo his feet.

You think I'm joking?

Another weird little corner of my world at the moment is Buddhism.

Hear me out.

I have never been a religious person. It has never been a part of my life, my family have never practiced any kind and honestly I never really felt it to be necessary. Recently though I'm kind of altering that idea. The idea of organized religion scares me. It can go from good to bad in 2.3 seconds,I'm not sure I believe in all that is said, it can be used to spread hatred and unnecessary judgement but something I have always liked about it was what it did for those who believe in it.

Those who know me know that I have been following the Shaytard's vlogs on Youtube for four years now and I'm kind of obsessed. Put simply, they are a family of 7 (after welcoming a little boy just a few weeks back...I cried, or more correctly put bawled my freakin' eyes out!) who make 10-20 minute videos of their every day life. They are so happy and optimistic with every single aspect of their life that they have changed my outlook on a lot of things. A huge aspect of their life is their faith which in this case happens to be Mormonism. Although I don't believe in the same faith they do, I truly admire how they use it to shape their lives and I felt like this was a light bulb, aha! moment for me.

This is how I fell into Buddhism. Firstly, I wouldn't consider myself a Buddhist. I think my lack of knowledge on the subject would greatly insult those who did identify as such, but it is definitely something I am beginning to love.

I love how humanistic it is. It puts you in control of your own destiny, your successes and failures are completely up to you. You decide your own happiness! I think that is a very important aspect of life, I think as humans we spend too long thinking about what others think about us when in all actuality they are too busy worrying about what others think of them to really have time to care (I mean that in the least depressing way possible!)

And on that note,

From Mummpet's last womb tenant,

Happiest of birthdays to my first ever friend. I know nobody likes my blog more than my Mother and nobody gets madder that I haven't written in a long time, so I figured I would write one just for her!

Growing up my mother and I had the typical mother-daughter relationship, we laughed about the most ridiculous things, I stole her clothes, she had a way of making me madder than most people could, she helped me with anything I would let her (I'm an independent little woman so this wasn't always easy), she was the target of my prime bitchiness, but at the end of the day I have realized I would be lost without her.

It wasn't until I moved out that I realized how special she was to me. My roommate at the time was shocked at how often I called my mum and how much she knew about my life (although this may have something to do with the fact that this woman is CIA level online stalker....) and I realized she was kind of more than my Mum. She was one of my best friends and I suddenly regretted never thanking her enough and never letting her know how much I love her.

Heck this woman drove me to the hospital on so many occasions as a child because I had put rocks up my nose for the fourth time in a week that it is beyond funny. She has been at the receiving end of all of my weird questions; the number of times I have asked this woman what she would do if I dropped dead right this second, or quizzed her about my phobias or loves, or pointed at her stomach and asked how weird it was that I used to live near her pancreas are almost infinite.

She cracks me up, and for that I wish her a Happy Birth day,week,month,year!

Wednesdays.

I'm sick.

Another perk is that my roommates aren't home so I can listen to the same song on repeat at full volume without any complaints.

It's the small things in life people.

Saying Yes.

I have a huge problem.

First, some back story. I am very happy with who I am. I'm an introvert by nature and although I fake being a social butterfly well most of the time I would much prefer to do my own thing. I like my own company, I know what makes me happy, I like what I like and I find it almost impossible to change myself because of others opinions.

I have always known who I was, even when I didn't know it. I am opinionated and straight forward which I have noticed can get me into some trouble, yet at my core I don't come from a mean place. I'm internally happy, even in the darkest of times or situations, even when I'm crying my eyes out or complaining about the most trivial of things, I am content and optimistic about wherever it is I'm going.

I believe in karma and simple kindness and I'm honestly a very open book. Ask me anything and I'll tell you my true opinion. Sometimes I greatly dislike this quality, and would much prefer to fake nice with those around me, but I am learning to accept, brutal honesty is the way I am whilst at the same time trying to teach myself to contain it sometimes.

When I love, I love with every bone in my body and once you are my friend you will always have a special place in my heart. I am not a jealous person, I know how to be happy for people, I am proud of my friends for all they are achieving and will support those I love in whatever makes them happiest. I'm not one for sharing with strangers, and most people find they really don't know much about me at the end of the day but my biggest problem is my inability to say yes.

I am a person that gets stuck in my ways, both good and bad. Whether it's a streak of going out every night or a wave of working too hard, I get complicated comfortably and it's hard for me to sway.

Luckily for me I have a friend who is innately programmed the same way and we are helping each other break this cycle. New, weird and wonderful things on the horizon.

Watch this space.

The best kind of days.

Have you ever dreaded something so much it made you physically ill? It's that one thing, the worst possible outcome to a situation. You know that eventually that time will come and as you wait for it your stomach knots and you quickly start mentally watching Forrest Gump to feel ok again? That gut wrenching wait ended for me today, and I was shocked with the outcome.

 I was supposed to be depressed, shed a tear and need hugs from all those willing, yet I felt amazing. It was the end I had been waiting for. It was as if a weight got lifted and as I stood in a grimy bar surrounded by swarms of tipsy strangers instead of feeling depressed like I had expected I felt elated.

I clicked off my phone and smiled at my friend as she gave me the oddest of looks.

"What is that face?"

"I just got the worst news and the best news all at once....I don't feel anything...news that was supposed to devastate me had zero effect....I'm oddly so happy I could scream."

Confused and happy banter occurred and now it is like I can finally think clearly. The elephant blocking the judgement segment of my murky and confused brain finally sprinted away.

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm stuck between where I was, and where I'm going. I'm in a nowhere space wandering around looking for substance. I don't know what I want or who I want or where I want to end up, and up until today this frightened me.

I'm at a place in my life where those around me have five year plans, are considering marriage and children and then there is me. Petrified by any type of commitment, committing my time to the most beautifully pointless of tasks with no real sense of true direction.

Yet, I can finally say I am happy here.

Instead of feeling like the hand of a compass frantically spinning desperate for direction, I feel like a four year old happily twirling until the world seesaws and I'm forced plonk down into the spot where destiny throws me.

Whether I stay in New York just that little while longer or I move on to bigger and better, is still a million pro/con lists away. But for right now, I'm completely content with who, what and where I got.

Terrible Blogger.

Recently I've been in a very weird place. In-between jobs, drinking too much, spending too much time with strange boys...typical things. With all the extra time normally taken up by work you would think I would have all the time in the world to blog....you would be wrong. It takes a lot of effort to wake up at 11 and watch TV until an appropriate time to start drinking.

Back to reality though, I am now employed again, have made a pact with myself and various friends (I think if I do it with a lot of people it may stick...eh? maybe?) to cut down drinking and boys and various other vices. It's long and boring but I even have a notebook! A NOTEBOOK! How can you fall out of line when you have a freakin' notebook?

Catch-Up List (Sucker for a list)-

I love you Emails/Phone Calls/Lunch Dates-

Recently I've noticed that I was in a bad place in terms of the people had in my life. I wasn't happy with who they made me or what they made me think. I missed who I was and had an epiphany (Sucker for Epiphanies) that I wanted to get back there and after some sound advice I wanted everyone I care about to know it. I got in contact with about a billion people to thank them, tell them I loved them, make a mends, you get the picture (I even emailed my old english teacher, it took me about 15 years because I had to keep proof reading, I didn't really want to remind him how grammar handicapped I was and for him to think he failed me!)The most special one though was a phone call that had me oddly reunited with my one time best friend, a friend that I lost over a stupid rumor started about me by someone I didn't even know. As cliche as it sounds it was as if a weight was lifted and I realize I needed to forgive, forget, and not let others dictate my little life. 

How could you not want it in your life?

I worked out what my favourite album of all time is-

It's Justified. 

I realize how much I rely on my parents- 

I always thought that as I grew up I would slowly need my parents less and less, I have now realized how ass backwards that thought was! I have come to realize that I don't know where the heck I would be without these guys, seriously, being a big bad grown up is overrated. I'm gonna be a Mummy's/Daddy's gal fo lyf.

One of my best friends turned 21 and I cried at the beginning of the end!-

Hello 8th grade Jordyn....now please go back in your hole. 

Happy Birthday! I'm not sure about many things in my life, or life in general for that matter but one thing I do know is that I'm going to be friends with this one for a very long time. Have we had the perfect friendship? Far from it, we had a pretty big falling out over the years in fact but after almost 9 years of friendship she is kind of stuck with me now.Old Orchard Beach 2078? I'll see you there gal.

I topless bonded with my roommates- 

The other night my roommates and I sat on the kitchen floor at 3 am and had a little chat where the word pussy was used way too much and I was 99% sure I was an inch away from throwing up. I was topless, my other roommate was pantless and someone invited the "King of Psychedelics" aka our little couch gremlin aka the WORST PERSON IN THE HUMAN RACE (Seriously Kevin I DARE you to bring him here again...yah feel me?)

Can you tell I'm really struggling to think of things? It's either pointless and boring (aka I watched a whole season of Gilmore Girls last week?) or too x-rated for something my mother reads (aka I've been getting a large influx of dick pics recently aka NO! ....I literally laugh, show them to my roommate for him to freak out about and then delete them...so stop!)

Well alas I'm all out of stories but I'm going to try to get on some form of blogging roll, if only for my mothers sanity.