So I was on Buzzfeed, as I am most nights around 3am (I have to be somewhere at 9am tomorrow, remind me to add "How to go to bed at appropriate times" to the list) and I stumbled upon this article about the 30 Things You Thought You'd Understand By Age 30. Now, this was obviously written by someone who is already thirty, flirty and thriving so as someone in their early 20's, I appreciate being forewarned that I will still not understand what a 401(k) is by the time I'm a member of the dirty thirties. I'm fine with that, what I will not be fine with? Not understanding any of the things on this list that I have so aptly named, 30 things I actually want to understand by the time I'm 30.
2. Why I'm giving 95% of my paycheck to the government. #girlsjustwannahavefundz
3. Why certain people refuse to use headphones and instead choose to spew their terrible music all over a crowded subway car. It's not like they even get to enjoy the music more, they now look like a twat and they have to fight to hear their songs over the sound of a crying baby. Awesome bro.
4. If it is possible for me to employee someone to follow me around and play with my hair/massage my hands/tell me I'm perfect....but I'm going to need them to work for free because well, see #2.
5. How to be as perfect as potatos taste.
6. Why Keeping up with the Kardashians is so addictive? Like I really don't want to waste my time with you...and then boom! It's 6am and I'm in some Kardashian Black hole (gross) and I don't remember what my name is.
7. Also, Chopped? Addictive, yet totally irrelevant to my life.
8. What men plan to gain from wolf whistling or yelling sexual comments on the street. If the answer to that is nothing, then you have cracked the code, keep going gentlemen.
9. Why bartenders are so attractive.Your whole career is based around making sloppy people sloppier....yet I want to kiss your face.
10. Why people under the age of 25 smoke cigarettes...like literally your entire life you have been told that these things will murder you from the inside out, you don't have the excuse of ignorance like the older generations...you are literally just a moron.
11. How to look like Miranda Kerr, be as hilarious as Tina Fey, and be as nice as Ellen Degeneres.
12. Why Casey Affleck is so utterly perfect.
13. How people happily wake up early in the morning without an alarm clock. I need at least 4 different chimes, 5 minutes for internal crying, 7 minutes to complain about being de-slumbered and 10 minutes to lie with my eyes closed pretending I'm still married to George Clooney.
14. Somewhat related, how people don't mess up their bed sheets whilst sleeping! Growing up I was always in awe over my Mums ability to wake up in the morning with her covers still tucked neatly around her as she hadn't moved a hair. I on the other hand, toss and turn and kick and roll around...I gave my friend a bloody nose once...so he says. I say he did it himself, he can't figure out why exactly he would smash his nose into my knee for fun. Hater.
15. How people enjoy the taste of vodka.
16. How to make Olive Garden salad dressing, so I can drink it straight for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
17. How to stick with something because it's only number 17 and I'm so over this already.
Oh well.
My blog. My rules. Screw 30.
I'm going to go eat yogurt.
Byeeeee.
