I have come to realize my mind is designed to be awake during the night. It's as if once the sun has drifted away and the city has gotten one step closer to silent, my mind kicks into high gear and I find myself feeling the most content....content isn't the right word. It's more like honest. It's the time of the day where I feel the most comfortable being honest with myself. The time of the day where I can really think about what I want, what my next step is and who I want to be without any hint of question.
As I wrote this last part, a group of guys outside my window decided to blast some terrible rap song out of their parked car stereo and kick back on the sidewalk....I hate people. Literally this is the reason I know I could never live in New York forever. I like you New York, I do, but as a person who finds comfort in solitude and silence, you are just a few steps off my path.
I've been thinking a lot about my path recently.
As children we spend so long waiting for the day when our choices in life are our own. We can't wait to be able to have control over who we are and what we do, and then before we know it we have this moment of clarity and we realize that that time is now. I remember two years ago my ex boyfriend invited me to Florida for the weekend, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Holy shit I can literally jump on a plane and go to Miami for a weekend and I don't have to check in with anybody. Heck, every morning when I wake up and contemplate having cake for breakfast before realizing that I could totally do that, I have the same epiphany.
I can literally do whatever I want.
That is petrifying.
And that is why I'm so jumbled.
My ex-boyfriend once described me in a way that literally encompassed exactly who I am. It was after a pointless argument about nothing and everything. Point blank, I was being a bitch.
"You are so hard to deal with Jordyn. You're like Sunshine or a fucking storm. There is no middle for you. One second it's sunny and everything is amazing and the next second for no reason at all, showers."
I've come to realize that his very honest depiction of my being has a reflection in every piece of my life. One second I have so much direction, I'm blissfully driven and completely determined to fire off in a certain direction and then the next second I feel like my entire future is a big, black question mark.
That's kind of where I am right now.
Everything that used to make me happy just....doesn't anymore. I feel unmotivated and a little confused about what I genuinely want out of life. So naturally, in classic Jordyn fashion, I have found myself pushing people away....all people. Old friends, new friends, best friends, casual friends....everyone. It's like I'm in this period of lull and I just need to recharge and align myself, by myself.
I'm rambling now.
I'm not in a bad space, I may add. I have come to realize over time that even on my worst days I am never truly sad. I remember telling my mum once that even when I'm upset about something, there is a little voice in the back of my head telling me it will always get better. Even when I am my most pessimistic about the current situation, my mind is naturally built to be optimistic and naturally views every situation, good or bad, as temporary....no matter how many times my naturally dramatic flare declares otherwise.
P.S. Isn't it weird how your problems seem so incredibly important to the world until you take a step back and think about how minuscule you are. It's so weird to think that every single stranger on the street has a mother, a father, happiness, heartbreak and a story, just like you. A story you will most likely never read, or even put a fingerprint on....yet to them it is literally the core of who they are. In the words of that terrible 90's jam by (according to google) OMC...how bizarre, how bizarre.
