Don't bother even reading this.

I've become that lame ass who leaves the bar just as everyone else is arriving....oh and I'm also that lame ass who starts work at 5:!5am and doesn't get done until 8:00pm.....#moneysaver #nolife #whatarefriends #peopledothingsotherthanwork? #hashtag #rememberwhenthiswascalledpound #whathappenedtonickjonas #amiright? #packin' #isthisannoying #nobodyisstillreadingthis #itsknoslingkonso #thosearen'trealwords #hhahahi'mhilarious

I literally have nothing of value to contribute to the world right now.

I'm going to go and watch Criminal Minds and give myself nightmares like I did last night.

weeeee.

Here are selfies.

Cheers.

I'm not ranting about Kim Kardashian...I'm ranting about the people ranting about Kim Kardashian.

Dear everybody who wouldn't shut up about Kim Kardashian,

There are people in the world doing amazing things, achieving actual goals and succeeding at mastering real skills. There are so many things so worthy of your time, whether they be people,places or things.A woman getting naked, especially one who has gotten naked on various occasions and has only ever presented that as her singular talent, is not worthy of this much of your time.

The internet is an amazing thing, it can do so much. Do you want to learn a new language? Cool, the internet can show you that. Too deep? Do you know you can watch every episode of Friends right now by simply clicking a few buttons? That is an amazing TV show! And yet you are spending your time arguing with people you don't even know about someone you have never even met.

Re-prioritize people. 

Procrastinate better.

Sincerely,

Humans of New York

Fall is my absolute favorite. 

It used to be summer...well....actually, let me rephrase that. Fall in New York is favorite. At home in Australia I will plead summer until I die. Unbearable heat matched with an icy cold pool or ocean and bronzed skin, I'm there! But in New York, summer is the worst. It's a sweat box. There is no oceany escape (I'm sorry I refuse to call Coney Island a beach, goodbye) and that is why fall wins.

It's the refreshing breeze after you step out of a scorching sauna, and before you get on a plane set for Antarctica. 

So yes, fall.

Today I took up residence on one of those green benches that line 5th avenue separating the two worlds with Central Park and overzealous kids screaming behind me.

I like those benches.

I think it's because I'm exceptionally creepy, and I like people watching. In all actuality, I was waiting for somebody, it wasn't just a random case of stalking....that is just what it turned into.

As I've mentioned many times before I like imagining peoples lives. The old lady smiling and wandering slowly behind the exuberant little girl talking so fast it's almost a song? That's the child's grandmother and best friend, her confidant and biggest ally. The young girl juggling different designer bags filled with heavy shoes and expensive linens? That's the assistant of a big shot designer, constantly nervous that one error in thread count will leave her shunned and jobless. The man in the impeccably tailored suit weaving through the children and ranting hastily into his earpiece? He's the CEO of a major fashion conglomerate....and also most likely a giant tool because really, who wears a bluetooth earpiece?

It amazes me that in a city so big all of our lives can blend so seamlessly together. Our paths all mesh and cross weaving together to make up the basket that holds New York.

I feel comforted by this, the fact that I'm only one of many, the world feels less intimidating and scary that way, less focused on me and my failures. It's good to remember that everybody I meet has a mother and father, they are not simply background noise for my own one woman show, they are actual people with a past and dreams as big as my own. They have failures and turmoils probably far greater than the ones that plague me...is it wrong to find comfort in the communal struggle?

Life is weird man.

Also if I hear one more person call Amanda Bynes their spirit animal I'm going to lose my shit. I'm not sure how someone publicly breaking down and spiraling into their mind is at all related to you? I'm also not sure when laughing at sick people became a hobby but how about we just don't. Thank you and goodnight.

Run Forest, Run Forest, Go Forest.

I've decided I'm going to start including whatever song I'm listening to whilst I'm writing these entries...partially because sometimes it is representative, and partially because it will annoy my mum.

Tonight I've been thinking a lot about anxiety, well actually for a while now. It's something I've been really struggling with. I'm not sure why exactly it has been plaguing me so bad as of late, but I've noticed myself shutting down a lot more in reaction.

As a person, I'm very on or I'm very off.

If I'm in the mood I'll be the biggest social butterfly in town, flittering about without a care. Sometimes it last for months, and I spend all my time in flight. Sometimes it only lasts for a week and then I'm uninterested in it all.

But sometimes I'm completely off. It's as if someone physically shuts me down. I break plans, I flake out, I run away. I almost go into autopilot. I get up, go to work and then scuttle back to my bubble as fast as I can. It's not a sad time though, as I honestly feel as if I very rarely feel sadness...it's just a time where I crave space, and have you ever tried craving space in New York City? It's rough. Often I turn to running, because although you are constantly surrounded by buildings,people and stray rats....at least your body feels like it's free. Have you ever ran so far that your heart seems to suddenly become real, as if it was just dropped into your chest with it's beat pounding against your ears? So far that your limbs feel so foreign it's as if they aren't even sewn on? It's my favorite feeling.

It sure beats the anxiety, that feels awful.It's as if I can't really breath that well at all.There is a constant tightness in my chest, and although I like to believe I fake it well, I'm always on edge. Have you ever seen something you didn't want to? Or gotten bad news that almost felt like someone punched you in the stomach? That's what it feels like...times 4.

In these times there are only a handful of people I want to be around....My mum's a good one, she constantly puts up with my mood swings and feeds me pie and peach cobbler until I feel better....or my ex-boyfriend, who as much as I hate him sometimes, always seems to know the right things to say.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you know me in real life and I happen to periodically disappear, it's nothing personal. I'm just being a hermit crab, actually once my friend Brooke decided that a hermit crab was most likely my spirit animal....lame right? but I guess it does make sense.

Life is weird man.

I feel like I talk about these things a lot on here, and that's mainly because writing things out honestly makes me feel a little better...running for the mind? It's like a weird therapy that I just happen to publish on the world wide web for my dad to read when he's bored, ignoring work and sick of checking his golf handicap every 3 seconds.

But just FYI it is the lowest it has ever been in his life....

He's quite proud of that.

Cheap wiiiiine and three day....s worth of vegetables

Cold Chisel anyone? No? I'll see myself out. 

 My joints are really sore....is this an age thing? a weather thing? a not taking care of my body for 20+ years thing? Either way stairs are hard....and also typing is hard...life is hard.

So today....or...err yesterday? Whatever the 8th was Queen Mumpets birthday. Happy Birthday Queen Mumpet.

 I'm not sober right now....which is making stringing a sentence together very difficult. I'm not sure why exactly I'm even writing something....but alas here I am.

Oh actually, snaps for me for something. I haven't spent a single penny in 1 whole week (I almost had to pay for my drinks last night...but then I remembered I have boobs....I half hate myself, half love myself....) Two weeks ago I did something I never do aka bought groceries aka what up adulthood! This was the brain child of realization after I had added up how much money I spent on going out to eat....let's just say it wasn't pretty especially since I am desperately trying to save money and seem to be spending hours staring at my bank balance with a look of sheer bewilderment at where exactly my money went (#girlzjustwannahavefundz.) I still can't cook though so I have been living off 3 dollar wine, avocado and ham sandwiches and huge bowls of lettuce and broccoli smothered in balsamic (aka the gods nectar....aka it's literally my favorite flavor....aka shower me in it). I've also noticed that my body is liking me more (except my old man joints). It's less bloated due to the whole no artificial-what-have-you I normally inject straight into my blood stream and I don't constantly want to kill myself due to constant food coma....well I mean I did eat a whole french baguette yesterday and felt my heart slow down but that's beside the point.

I've reached that point in my life that my diet actually effects how I feel. I've never really been too self conscious about my weight- I have big boobs, big thighs, a smaller waist and a weird little baby bump of chub that likes the hang out on my lower stomach sometimes and that was just kind of that. Some days I would feel chubby and crappy but it was never a massive deal to me honestly, so I just ate what I wanted and went on my merry way. But now I actually feel my body reacting to food. It kind of blows. I have always loved vegetables, hell I used to hoard heads of lettuce under my bed as a child and constantly gobbled up cucumbers and tomatoes much to the annoyance of my mother who planned on using them for dinner. But I also have a major sweet tooth...and a bread tooth....and a bacon tooth...where was I going with this?

Oh yeah! Australian bacon is so much better than American bacon (that definitely wasn't where I was going with that...but hey man, a fact is a fact.)

I would just like to apologize for wasting 5 minutes of your time, I'm going to be honest I'm not even going to reread and edit because I'm way to sleepy and isn't there a rule about writing drunk and editing sober?

See you when I'm sober I guess.

Time to go nap nap.

Sophomore than you'll ever be (No really that was our motto...)

In sticking with the theme of it not being Thursday....

I'm throwing it back again!

If you are wondering why I have been feeling so nostalgic recently you can blame that on my roommates and the fact that I have spent the last three days (THREE DAYS!) sitting around my apartment waiting for them to bring me rent. They are officially the king's of "I'll be there at 6!" before not appearing until 4am...and of course, they have forgotten the money at this point so I'm forced to wait around the following day....

Anyway this has left me with a lot of free time to kill....and thus a lot of roaming around on my computer...and thus lots of nostalgia.

This post specifically is brought to you by my Sophomore year of high school.

For some reason I have a lot of documentation of that period of my life...I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that we all needed lots of content to spice up our Myspace pages or the fact that there is something about being a boring highschooler that makes you want to take a picture of everything.

This photo was taken on the Boston Subway...wait that is not right?...what is the subway in Boston called again? Oh my god New York has ruined me! The T? That sounds right (Google confirmed this, thanks Goog). I'm not sure where exactly the glow sticks came from, but we stole the streamers from the Blue Man Group show we had just seen and the Fluro green sunglasses? well they seemed really cool at the time. 

I remember this night so well simply because of how much of a giant brat I was being. It was a Friday night which meant if you were looking for my friends and I, most likely were sleeping over at Alie's. On this particular night all of my friends suddenly became fascinated with taking pictures of themselves jumping on the trampoline....they did it for literally hours. Being the team player I wasn't, and being seriously bored by this venture, I sat there texting and complaining the whole time...obviously....really sometimes I am such a complete joy. 

Oh and then I gave up and went to sleep.

I have said it before and I will say it again...I have a really good memory.But every now and then I stumble upon something that honestly stumps me....this is one of those things. Well sort of. I remember exactly where we were (walking along Lower Main St, from the elementary to the high school) but that is all I have....Why were we walking along Lower Main St from the elementary school to the high school? Who is the blond head of hair in the corner? It's one of the great mysteries of our generation. 

Oh look my fluorescent green sunglasses are back...awesome. This picture was taken on the Brooklyn bridge, I think this was also the time of my life that I decided sticking my tongue out in pictures was a great idea, glad that period of my life is over...

Just kidding, it'll never be over...long live the tongue. 

This was taken on the docks one night after I had eaten about 45 pounds of Reeses Pieces and genuinely felt like I was going to die. Take notice of our matching friendship necklaces that my friend Erika (thug loving' in the middle) randomly found in her house one day and thus, we were bonded by birdie necklaces forever...well until we decided they probably weren't that cool and took them off. But of course, I still have mine in my memory box at my mums house because I'm a hoarder of nostalgia. 

This photo....well this photo is just a mess. Which I think genuinely sums up Sophomore year pretty well...#messlyf.

The past is alright.

A few weeks ago I decided I would start posting throwback pictures on here...and then I forgot all about it obviously. Tonight I'm bringing that back...and before you say it, yes! I am very aware it isn't Thursday yet...but I really can't think of anything to write about tonight as my life has literally been a big jumbled blur of nothing and everything all at once for the last few days. Roll on.

I remember this month of my life so perfectly (Late January-Early February of 2005). I was 11 and this was the month my whole entire world changed. I had just moved to the United States, I remember everything. I remember my first day here, driving from Boston airport to our new home in a stretch limo, surrounded by oversized luggage. I remember going to Dunkin Donuts on the drive and ordering boiling hot chocolates for our frozen bodies that before this date had never seen snow (which my brother decided to touch whilst waiting for our limo and regretted instantly...turns out snow is cold). I remember our driver comparing Steve Urwin putting his baby in the crocodile pit to Michael Jackson dangling his baby over the balcony. I remember a conversation I had with my brother about an icicle whilst sitting outside Sugar River as my Mum set up bank accounts the next day.I remember eating so much meatball pizza in that first month. I remember the smell of our new jeep. I remember everybody following me around school on the first day bombarding me with questions about whether I ate crocodile. I remember literally everything. 

Oh and that is (was...presumed dead due to bobcat slaughter in 2011) my cat Phantom. He was given to me when I first arrived at my new home. I remember spending an hour trying to coax him out from under my mums bed before debating about whether he was a Phantom or a Zorro for the remainder of the night.....Phantom won obviously.

This was my class trip in 2011. This is just one of about 344 pictures snapped of my entire class whilst we sat huddled together freezing on the beach that day. Whenever people see those pictures they are always confused as to where everybody else is...but alas that is all of us. Just 28 kids...now adults...but always kids in my mind, initially bonded together by nothing more than age and location, but now, even as we live separate lives, bonded still. 

This was my first day of year 10 in Brisbane, Australia. As you can tell I had reached that angsty teenage phase where I wasn't overly excited about having my picture snapped in my awfully attractive uniform at 8am. This is when we lived in a rental house*** that was almost completely void of furniture as ours was all in storage after moving over from the west coast. We slept on air beds that slowly deflated through the night, our TV rested on a box in the living room and I spent most of my nights on the phone to my best friend back in Perth...much to the annoyance of my father who's dreams became overrun with my booming conversations from the room across landing. Sorry Pops.

***Said rental house. Our first Queensland home. 

This is a picture of my youngest brother that I found and couldn't not include because it melted my cold dead heart. I find it especially precious because this little munchk is now boardering on teenager and will never again be this precious little Buzz Lightyear wearing peach. 

And lastly a selfie I took when I was 15 and thought I was exceptionally cool obviously. Because at the end of the day, no matter how hard things may seem you can always be reassured that you will never again have to be a 15 year old...and if that doesn't make you feel good I'm not sure what will!

All Hallows Eve.

Happy belated Halloween love bugs.

New York is a weird city. 

New York on Halloween is a weird city on high amounts of hard drugs.

Which means I definitely need some time to recover...also it's raining and cold outside....and it isn't raining and cold in my bed...so I choose my bed.

If anybody needs me I will be snuggled up with the Robertsons.

Also, if you don't watch Duck Dynasty, I pity you because if I was one of those beauty vloggers who had monthly favorites, this would DEFINITELY be on my list.

Oh yes and I know I'm late, leave me alone.

Ranting about world stuff.

Some nights I fall into the internet.

Some nights they are good tumbles, filled with children doing hilarious things or videos of peopling eat foreign food on Buzzfeed.

Some nights they are emotional scrolls through pages and pages of historical tragedies.

Tonight though, I fell into a black hole of a different variety. A wander through the Twitter accounts that belonged to the friends/ families/acquaintances of the victims of a recent school shooting in Washington.

Firstly, a little backstory, I have never lost anybody to tragedy, in fact I have only ever lost one person  in my entire life. I am lucky. My grieving has been minimal, and death has never been a major factor in my life to date...I do not know what these people are going through.

Because of this I wouldn't normally judge, instead choosing to respect that this is their way of grieving and move politely on their way. But something about this particular case is grinding on me.

Like you would expect, these twitter accounts are filled with emotional tears and pictures from the past, there are tributes and memories being shared and the omnipresent creepy New York Times journalists lurking about begging for an interview. But instead of two little angel emojis signing every tweet for the two girls who were brutally murdered....there are three.

These people are calling their best friends murder, an angel.

"Rest in peace my loves Jaylen F, Gia S & Zoe G. I love you all"

"I know you and God will be looking after Zoe and Gia in Heaven Jaylen! Atleast you are together up there!"

This person even claimed they were mad that people were calling Jaylen a murderer....even after he murdered all those people.

Like yeah man, fuck the haters right?

Whenever one of these events take place we are suddenly face to the face with the murderer. They are on every newsstands, people appear to come out of every woodwork in town to claim that they were truly a good person and the victims? They become a number. They are simply one of 12 slain...5 shot...6 dead.

We all know who Adam Lanza is, but can someone tell me even two of his 6 year old victims?

I can't, and I truly wish I could.

Whilst doing a little background wandering (and how I initially found the twitter accounts) I stumbled upon this article titled, Jaylen Fryberg: 5 Fast Facts You Need to Know. Fact 1 told me that apparently I needed to know he recently broke up with his girlfriend.

I didn't.

I've broken up with someone before, heck I've even been jealous of another's relationship before and do you know what I didn't do? Murder people.

This boy should not be glorified, he should not be romanticized and he definitely should not have his name memorialized beside the lives he stole.

This boy is not in heaven.

This boy is not an angel.

This boy is a murderer.

If you shoot even a single someone in the head, you are not and will never ever be a good person.

Side note: One of the boys shot and cousin of the shooter, Nate Hatch, tweeted his forgiveness for his shooter. This I can respect, forgiveness to me is a personal thing. Forgiveness is refusing to let another dictate your emotions, it's freeing your mind for your own sake. It is not justifying a killers actions.

Whoops.

 I was just scrolling through my photos and noticed that there was another Google + made gif I completely missed! And it was of the lady of the hour! My mother herself had been immortalized in the very thing that baffled her!

 That's all I have.

I'm an awesome blogger.

This life ain't so bad.

I write a lot about a crossroads, constant epiphanies and life plans. I write a lot about where I'm going and who I'm going with, about what I want to be and who I am. I write about moments of elation and day long happiness. I write about blurs and grey periods, I write about frustrations with where I'm at and where I want to be. I write...a lot.

Recently I've been feeling a lot of sadness. I often find myself feeling many things...confused, optimistic, joyous or lost...but rarely sad...but it is at that moment when I am reminded that the best part about putting my life in words is that they are always there to read later, to give me hope and put me back on track...

After reading a lot of my scribblings in the endless diaries and journals I possess, I came to a realization.  You can point your finger at every single person but at the end of the day, you are the author. Your life is your own, it is for you and if there is a problem ultimately it is your fault.

Not because you are the cause, but because you are not being the resolution.

If you are unhappy with where you are? Go somewhere else.

If you are frustrated by the people you surround yourself with? Find some new people....(people that respect you....people who actually care about who you are, what you want out of life...people who listen when you speak....oh sorry...tangent... where was I again?)

That's where I am.

Well at least that is where I'm trying to be...

Oh, also on my to do list? Find pale friends!

This post is purely for my Mum....

The other day I was telling my mum about how Google Plus always takes my selfies (or at least any picture I take repeatedly of the same thing all at one time) and makes them gifs and she mentioned she couldn't see them and instead they just looked like weird awkward selfies. So I present to you "Every single Gif Google Plus has made of my weird looking face that my Mum can't see and will never understand"

Also, the reason I have so many selfies is because my ex and I have this thing where we don't actually talk we just send selfies back and forth....maybe this is why his girlfriend hates me? epiphany!

That stage of drunk where your hair just kind of ends up on a drunk pile atop your head.

Being adorable to send to my Dad a selfie to remind him I am forever the greatest fathers day gift....also those selfies you take but forget to send....hey Dad, this is me being adorable.

New Zealand is ok...not as good as Australia...but ok.

Cutting all my hair off emotions.

I'm really good at selfies.

Did you sneeze bro? No? Just your face?

It's my birthday.....super happy?

Drunk on the metro north....people are staring...eating chex mix.Also too lazy to untie headphones.

Stephi loves cheesecake. 

Gabe loves mirrors....and actually anything that houses his reflection.

Bitches love Sombreros.

The locked out hallway series....many onlookers....no embarrassment.

The day Calvin told me I looked like a cocker spaniel. 

There's no place like home.

Bye work. Buy Alcohol.

I do the duck face ironically I swear. 

Kenneth Cole has a great selfie mirror.

I'm bored of my face now...

Oh look Kendals face instead!

A lot of people at Union Square Station at 4 am watched me take these.

Just being a cupcake...always.

20 year old Existential crisis.

That time I got a concussion and wanted to die....so I took selfies so everyone knew I wanted to die. 

Ok I literally can't look at any more moving pictures of my stupid face....

Oh and also a word to future me- looking through pictures of yourself is a really bad idea...because you are a really weird human....