I've decided I'm going to start including whatever song I'm listening to whilst I'm writing these entries...partially because sometimes it is representative, and partially because it will annoy my mum.
Tonight I've been thinking a lot about anxiety, well actually for a while now. It's something I've been really struggling with. I'm not sure why exactly it has been plaguing me so bad as of late, but I've noticed myself shutting down a lot more in reaction.
As a person, I'm very on or I'm very off.
If I'm in the mood I'll be the biggest social butterfly in town, flittering about without a care. Sometimes it last for months, and I spend all my time in flight. Sometimes it only lasts for a week and then I'm uninterested in it all.
But sometimes I'm completely off. It's as if someone physically shuts me down. I break plans, I flake out, I run away. I almost go into autopilot. I get up, go to work and then scuttle back to my bubble as fast as I can. It's not a sad time though, as I honestly feel as if I very rarely feel sadness...it's just a time where I crave space, and have you ever tried craving space in New York City? It's rough. Often I turn to running, because although you are constantly surrounded by buildings,people and stray rats....at least your body feels like it's free. Have you ever ran so far that your heart seems to suddenly become real, as if it was just dropped into your chest with it's beat pounding against your ears? So far that your limbs feel so foreign it's as if they aren't even sewn on? It's my favorite feeling.
It sure beats the anxiety, that feels awful.It's as if I can't really breath that well at all.There is a constant tightness in my chest, and although I like to believe I fake it well, I'm always on edge. Have you ever seen something you didn't want to? Or gotten bad news that almost felt like someone punched you in the stomach? That's what it feels like...times 4.
In these times there are only a handful of people I want to be around....My mum's a good one, she constantly puts up with my mood swings and feeds me pie and peach cobbler until I feel better....or my ex-boyfriend, who as much as I hate him sometimes, always seems to know the right things to say.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you know me in real life and I happen to periodically disappear, it's nothing personal. I'm just being a hermit crab, actually once my friend Brooke decided that a hermit crab was most likely my spirit animal....lame right? but I guess it does make sense.
Life is weird man.
I feel like I talk about these things a lot on here, and that's mainly because writing things out honestly makes me feel a little better...running for the mind? It's like a weird therapy that I just happen to publish on the world wide web for my dad to read when he's bored, ignoring work and sick of checking his golf handicap every 3 seconds.
But just FYI it is the lowest it has ever been in his life....
He's quite proud of that.
