Blue.

Today I woke up feeling crummy.

I'm not sure if this is a common thing but sometimes I find that if I sleep too late or I happen to have a particular type of dream it can kind of ruin my day from the beginning. Today, the latter happened. It wasn't a nightmare or a terrible dream, it was a really good dream in fact. It was an ideal world, and when I woke up and that world disappeared from reality, it bummed me out.

I lay in bed for a second, staring at my window and I was miserable.

What is that Dr. Seuss quote?

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

This quote always kind of aggravated me because it signified that all a person truly dreams of is love. I can't speak for everyone but I'm a naturally boy crazy person and even I dream of love very little. So let's imagine this was a more general statement, a statement about happiness in yourself as opposed to love....well I felt the polar opposite this morning.

I couldn't wake up because my dreams were far more attractive than reality.

This is sounding far more bleak than I imagined....

I wasn't in a vortex of internal misery, I was just bummed out and I haven't been able to shake it all day.

When I have a day like this I feel as if my eyes are truly open in the worst way. For example  I have a friend, once a very close friend, who I've slowly been trying to distance myself from. I don't agree with who he is, or how he acts anymore. It's not even as though he is truly changing, in actuality, I am changing. He makes choices I can't support and therefore don't want to be apart of, yet at the end of the day that is still a friend lost. I make these type of realizations on my dark days.

I'm rambling now....as usual.

Now in pure Jordyn fashion I'm going to go and lock myself away. I think running with dreams of the beach in my head, dejunking my apartment and Fiona Apple may be what it takes to shift this funk.

Sidenote: I'm obsessed with haunting songs. I like when a song freaks me out a little. It reminds me of the time I was 4-6 years old and I was in the car with my family hearing Maxwell Silver Hammer (one of my favourite songs to this date) and it honestly gave me night terrors for weeks. I like that feeling. This song creeps me out. I love this song. 

Life is lovely.

Today I deposited $200 more dollars in my "Move to California, buy many pugs and a Mini Cooper" fund...it made me really happy. So happy that for the last 20 minutes I have been sitting here writing a list of the other things that make me just as happy. I do this sort of thing a lot, because a lot of things piss me off so it's nice to zero in on the other side of things.

This is what I've got so far...

Lists.
They are beautiful 

Calling people dream boats
...mainly my friend Olivia. She is a dreamboat.

Eating lots of food, but then quickly drinking soda so you can burp out some air and make room for more food....
All Class. 

Donuts.
My friend Brandon's favourite donut is a stale, crusty, plain donut....that is how good they are! That people still love them when they are old,boring and stale. 


When you are in a public place, surrounded by loads of drunk strangers (bonus points if they are old drunk strangers) and everybody is super messy and fun, and suddenly you are all old friends.
"Oh my god Bryan! Jordyn did you hear what Bryan just said? God that is so Bryan." -Katie Decantur talking about her new BFF Bryan (real name not Bryan).

Don't Worry Baby by The Beach Boys
I just like it, man.

Arriving on the platform just as your train pulls in
Bonus points if it is an express train.

Sincere compliments.
An elderly lady stopped me on the street the other day to ask for directions and she told me I looked like a "perfect little european doll"...I'm not sure what that meant, but I'll take it. 

Hearing Australian accents.
Specifically Australian women's accents. I have narrowed this down to the fact that when I was younger I was soothed by Australian voices, and therefore find them naturally calming. I remember being stuck on a shuttle bus at LAX airport after a 12 hour flight delay and hearing an Australian lady talking in the corner of the crowded bus just made me feel better. 

My own jokes.
I honestly crack myself up. Like I'm my own biggest fan, the other day I made a joke to myself at like 2 in the morning whilst I was lying in bed and I laughed for like 20 minutes.

"Hello" from The Book of Mormon.
Mormonism fascinates me.  So much so that I'm actually reading The Book of Mormon...the actual religious book, not the play but I do know every word to every song in the play.....I'm cool, I swear. 

Outgoing children with no filter who talk to you about literally anything.
I suffered from intense shyness as a child, so much so that I used to crawl around on the floor when my mum had friends over to avoid being seen and I used to cry whenever people sung Happy Birthday to me, so I like this quality. Yesterday a girl came up to me, whilst I waited for the train and said, "You're really tall...." and just walked away and I thought it was awesome.

Cranking the AC and snuggling up under covers in the middle of a nauseatingly hot summer.
Things that don't make me happy: my electricity bill.

Words.
I really like words, particular words....like nauseated and pretentious....and soliloquy...

Babies with really fat legs.
I mean, it's pretty self explanatory really....

Bloody Mary's.
I'm just all about them at the moment....it's a snack, and a drink...what's not to like!

Having my shit together.
Well I mean I'm sure I'll like it...some day...when I have it together...maybe...

Pull your head in.

I am starting a thing...this is a thing.

A few weeks ago I reacted to both an article and the comments of a story that really grinded my gears. Today I'm doing it again, because people still suck and I really need to talk about it. Last time it was a confident little boy and his parents being bashed for showing acceptance and this week it's Khloe Kardashian in a tribal headdress.

I'm not sure if you all saw (I wouldn't blame you, it's hardly world news) but Kim and Kanyes little muffin, North West, had her first birthday the other day. It was extravagant and over the top yadda yadda, but of kourse the word Kardashian is always klosely followed by some form of kontroversy and this event was no different, because Khloe posted this picture.

Now I'm going to start off being completely honest, I don't know why this photo is offensive, but I am not Native American so that really doesn't fucking matter at all. I don't understand the cultural significance of the headdress, it is not my own culture, but I'm educated enough to know that it is very inappropriate to use another's culture as a fashion statement, and I'm human enough to respect that.

One of the biggest things I have learned in life is that if you offend someone, you can not argue that it is not offensive. You don't have the power to dictate what is hurtful to another, no matter the situation. You can always argue that you were not coming from a negative place and try to appease the situation, but apologies always seem to work a little better.

The idea that this could offend someone isn't brand new information. Hell, just a few months ago, Pharrell got himself into very public hot water by wearing a similar headdress on the cover of Elle. He manned up and apologized, admitting it wasn't appropriate, yet the above picture still exists.I know the Kardashians have their heads so far up eachothers asses that it must be hard to keep up with non-Kardashian news but they can't be that late. 

If you know something could potentially offend people, why even go there? Why risk hurting someone for an instagram picture? It honestly baffles my entire mind that people just don't get it. I don't care if you don't understand why it is offensive, I care that you know that people find it offensive and you don't care enough to not do it.

This garment means something to a whole race of people (again, I'm not pretending to know the ins and outs, because I don't) and they have stated, time and time and time again that they don't want it to be tossed around like a costume. So why can we not seem to respect that?

The saddest part of it all is that the picture itself isn't what annoyed me the most, the worst part was the comments on the article....(I really need to stop even going there!)

Pages and pages and pages of non-Native American people arguing that people were too sensitive. My favourite?

"Oh my god, there are so many more important things in the world. This would be like if cowboys complained any time anyone who wasn't a cowboy wore a cowboy hat. It's a compliment!!!"

How did you know cowboys were my favourite race? Also, what exactly are you complimenting? Heyyy, you guys looked suuuuper cute and fashion forward when we slaughtered your people!!! Sorry about all those diseases, can I borrow that cute hat on Friday though?

The moral of the story? Don't knowingly offend someone, don't use another's culture as an accessory and stay the fuck away from the comment section of any news website....because people are really dumb.

Bring me Versace blue jeans, black designer underwear.

My exboyfriend always used to make fun of my weird music tastes. I've always been one of those assholes who kind of just listens to every kind of music, yet has a soft spot for terrible pop music, show tunes, 90's Silverchair and random old classics that make me feel like a four year old in the back of my parents car listening to crappy Australian "Hits of the decade" radio.

I don't really take it to seriously.

I like what I like, good or bad, obscure or generically terrible.

I like a wide assortment of junk basically, I can fake it 'til I make it, but among all the "credible music" on my iPod there is a lot of "tha fuck is this?"

Another one of my quirks is that when I love something, I loOoOoOve something. When I was a child and I liked a movie I would watch it until I had every subtle sigh memorized, a trait that may have fueled the already heated relationship my brother and I once had.

I'm the same with music.

When I get a song in my head, it's in there. I remember in High School I listened to Oh Darling by The Beatles every single morning for about three weeks before randomly quitting my addiction and moving on to 98' Freestyle by Big L. After being completely exhausted by that I went through a,  A very pretty song for a very special lady by The Ergs few days before rolling back around to one of my all time favourite songs Ooh La La by Faces.Don't worry though, I always managed to sprinkle my love of disney into the mix constantly flipping between my two favourite disney songs (Once upon a dream from Sleeping Beauty and True Loves Kiss from Enchanted......I have mentioned this before...take notes you will be quizzed).

Oh and I have always really liked Easy by The Commodores and that makes regular appearances in my life....My mum constantly reminds me that nobody actually admits to liking The Commodores but she also hated me for constantly listening to Walking on Broken Glass by Annie Lennox so her opinion is now invalid to me.

Anyway I'm honestly rambling....shocking. The point of this was to talk about my current song of the minute....

It's this.

Because it is perfect.

Also, if I could be Neil Patrick Harris, I would love that....

Cheers.

Oh Bummer (Warning: I'm not sober...or am I?....I'm not.)

Right now I'm having two major issues in life...

The first is that I keep having reoccurring dreams that the Kardashians are framing me for murder. I'm not even sure who I'm murdering, all I know is I'm waking up exhausted, like seriously if you could all booty bounce your way out of my nightmares....that would be great.

The second?

FRUIT FLIES HAVE TAKEN OVER MY LIFE!

A few days (or eternities...honestly I've lost track) ago, I awoke in my usual confused blur and rolled on into my kitchen searching for sustenance....instead I was met with bugs...millions of bugs. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a random occurrence, they were graciously welcomed by numerous things, namely my roommate leaving a giant bowl of kale (he's one of those) out for them in a drunken haze (kale being your drunk food of choice may be the bigger travesty here!) I honestly feel like they are multiplying by the hundreds. I'm at my breaking point man. How do you get rid of fruit flies? (say vinegar traps as if I haven't tried that and don't be surprised if I push you down the stairs!)I'm about to set the apartment on fire, that is how desperate I am!

As you can tell by all the excitement in this post, my life has been thrilling recently. A thrilling, hot mess, blurry mass of fuckery. Adulthood really isn't all I had hoped it would be.... In fact I'm reminded of this fact every freakin' day at work when my coworker insists on playing Ain't it Fun by Paramore and every day I want to punch her in the face for reminding me that a freakin' Paramore song actually relates to my life, like that's a bad sign homie...also, fuck you I'll cry to my Mumma if I fucking want, Williams....

or I'll cry to my girlfriends whilst I gulp down tequila, honestly either one works.

aka this afternoon I went and drank too many margaritas with my friends.

I love them (my humans....oh well and margaritas.)

oh and guac!

So there you have it. I live a very mundane life as of late, made only less mundane by the fact that I live in New York and sometimes your day is interrupted by a person going into labor on the train (Sunday), or a man serenading you on the subway platform (Monday) or the President rolling into town and blocking off every single street (Tuesday). 

I understand that being the President is an important job (or something...) but if he honestly wanted to get somewhere safely maybe blocking off all of Manhattan, causing crowds of people to form and making a huge freaking scene, isn't the way to do that?  But what would I know, I'm just an impatient redhead about an inch away from hurdling over this barrier and risking getting shot because I'm dying to wear a lame sombrero and swim in a puddle of tequila....actually yeah, maybe you shouldn't take my advice P-rez.

                                      

He waved at me.....only me....none of these 200 other people...just me....we have a bond.

Jordyn Obama.

Sorry Michelle.

Welp.

It's 1am, time to go and ingest 75 cents worth of artificial sugar.

#cleaneating #fitspo #summerbod

P.S. I just got home and Kitty McDumpling face was laying in the kitchen waiting for me. I think she is trying to kill me...maybe she heard I wanted to get rid of her....I'm sorry...I think she is upset about the fruit flies too...

Splish Splash

If anybody needs me I'll be over here having a moment.

In other news, still on a one woman struggle bus exhausted by my entire life. If anybody knows any fairy god mothers that are available to come and listen to my problems, tell me I'm amazing and turn my life around with the swish of her wand, that would be perfect. Until then, I'll be in the tub watching the Kardashians.

There is enough success to go around.

Tonight has been a weird night for me.

Something very special happened to someone very close to me, and my first reaction was utter joy. I cried, screamed, hugged, kissed and mauled anybody and anything in my path. I could only imagine how happy he was, how much weight was lifted from him, how many tears he secretly shred in the most manly way possible. I felt like it was happening to me. This person has a piece of my heart and because of this their emotions are my emotions, when they are sad or stressed, I am sad and stressed and when they are happy, I am overjoyed.

One of my favourite qualities about myself had always been my ability to celebrate another. For the most part (I'm only human) I have always been able to remove myself from the equation and be truly happy for those around me. I love and care about people, and seeing them so fulfilled in turn leaves me fulfilled. I have always been able to accept that their was enough success to go around, and breaking another down doesn't push you any higher. But recently, this ability to celebrate my friends without it reflecting on my own life has been broken.

I'm not sure why, and I wish I knew how to change it, but as of late, it seems like everyone around me is succeeding. Big moves, dreams, successes, seem to be blessing everybody I know, which on paper is reason to celebrate....yet here I am finding it so difficult. The number of times I have texted my friends to complain about another's achievement as of late is borderline absurd.

I'm in a very confusing space. I want to do so much, I have dreams and goals bigger than my brain...yet I'm not sure how to get there. I feel stuck, and the monotony of routine is wearing me down. I'm stuck...or actually not stuck, just confused. I feel like I've reached some cliche fork in the road and instead of grabbing life by the horns and foraging toward whichever path seems more attractive and taking failures as they come, I'm just standing there.

I just hate how it's making me feel towards those around me.

As previously mentioned (maaaany times) I'm quite the lone wolf. I like my own space, I tend to push people away but at my core, one of my truest qualities is that if I have cared about you at some point in life, I will always care about you in some capacity. I'm very fond of my past, and I'm very fond of the people, even if I only let them stay for a short while before pushing them away and fluttering off leaving them very confused as to where I went and why I left (The answer is I don't know...I'm hoping that one day I will meet a person I physically can't fly away from, it will be too hard, they wouldn't let me and I will stay).

Back to present day, Marian (said friend who is basking in said success) is very important to me. He fluctuates in how present he is in my life, in truth he and I are at very different places in life, and this sometimes hinders our presence in each others day to day, but never affects our friendship. I know a lot about him, I know a lot about how hard he has worked and a lot about the hardships and sadness he has felt. He has been in my shoes. He tells me time and time again that I'm ridiculous, whilst sympathizing with my thoughts. He has worked 80 times harder than I have, and he is being rewarded for his work. Yet, instead of this motivating me, it's bumming me out.

Tonight he called me, champagne drunk and speaking in whispers (there may be another thing hindering our friendships but that's a whole other can of worms) and hearing his thoughts really put mine into perspective.

"...I have never wanted anything so bad. Fuck man."
"*inaudible sobbing*....I cried..."
"*audible eyerolling* You always cry."
"I do not! I'm just so happy for you, you deserve it..."
"(enter name here) was miserable. Did you see? I felt like a dick being so happy, like I had worked harder than him. I hadn't. Seeing them so disappointed when I couldn't stop smiling, it fucking sucked."
"It's your moment though! They get it! You had busted your ass....I mean they had too....but....there time will come...Don't you ever let that stop you from being happy because they would be mad if they knew you were faking it for them...and if they weren't they are dicks...and they are not dicks...so they want you to be happy..."

I rambled for far too long, focusing less on the words and more on my thoughts.In order for him to succeed, others had to come up short. People who had worked for years and years, people who had worked just as hard as Marian and eternally harder than I had. People who had been trying and pushing for longer than I had even known what I wanted to push for, yet I was too busy on Team Poor Me to even think of that.

"God now I feel like I need to go and do something amazing..."
"You will."
"I hope so."
"You will."
"I don't want to wake up at 40 and just think what the fuck happened (my Dad drills that into my head a lot...so encouraging!)"
"You wouldn't."
"I really am happy for you...I don't want you to think I'm no-"
"I don't. Your life isn't over at 21 dieťa."
"I really wish you would stop telling me that Grandpa."
"I really wish you would stop thinking you aren't going to do anything because you haven't figured your shit out at 21."
"I really am happy for you....I really mean it"
"I really appreciate it....I really love you, in some twisted way"
"Well I'm fabulous, I don't blame you!"

I'm 13 years old.

Today I'm showing my apartment to people in a last minute, move bitches in hustle.

Do you know how exhausting it is pretending to be so shocked at how messy my living room is?

"Oh my god! I'm eternally sorry I just got home, I forgot to clean! yikes! oh golly!"

My mind is laughing at the scene.

Suckers.

Welcome to Mess Lyfe 101: I live with two dudes, it's a struggle sometimes, sit down and shhh.

Now if you will excuse me, in between appointments I must consume as much Orange is the New Black as possible. Technically I probably should do a spot of cleaning, but honestly it would ruin this great thing we have going and I would hate to do that to my 1pm Appointment. I'm doing it for her!