Something very special happened to someone very close to me, and my first reaction was utter joy. I cried, screamed, hugged, kissed and mauled anybody and anything in my path. I could only imagine how happy he was, how much weight was lifted from him, how many tears he secretly shred in the most manly way possible. I felt like it was happening to me. This person has a piece of my heart and because of this their emotions are my emotions, when they are sad or stressed, I am sad and stressed and when they are happy, I am overjoyed.
One of my favourite qualities about myself had always been my ability to celebrate another. For the most part (I'm only human) I have always been able to remove myself from the equation and be truly happy for those around me. I love and care about people, and seeing them so fulfilled in turn leaves me fulfilled. I have always been able to accept that their was enough success to go around, and breaking another down doesn't push you any higher. But recently, this ability to celebrate my friends without it reflecting on my own life has been broken.
I'm not sure why, and I wish I knew how to change it, but as of late, it seems like everyone around me is succeeding. Big moves, dreams, successes, seem to be blessing everybody I know, which on paper is reason to celebrate....yet here I am finding it so difficult. The number of times I have texted my friends to complain about another's achievement as of late is borderline absurd.
I'm in a very confusing space. I want to do so much, I have dreams and goals bigger than my brain...yet I'm not sure how to get there. I feel stuck, and the monotony of routine is wearing me down. I'm stuck...or actually not stuck, just confused. I feel like I've reached some cliche fork in the road and instead of grabbing life by the horns and foraging toward whichever path seems more attractive and taking failures as they come, I'm just standing there.
I just hate how it's making me feel towards those around me.
As previously mentioned (maaaany times) I'm quite the lone wolf. I like my own space, I tend to push people away but at my core, one of my truest qualities is that if I have cared about you at some point in life, I will always care about you in some capacity. I'm very fond of my past, and I'm very fond of the people, even if I only let them stay for a short while before pushing them away and fluttering off leaving them very confused as to where I went and why I left (The answer is I don't know...I'm hoping that one day I will meet a person I physically can't fly away from, it will be too hard, they wouldn't let me and I will stay).
Back to present day, Marian (said friend who is basking in said success) is very important to me. He fluctuates in how present he is in my life, in truth he and I are at very different places in life, and this sometimes hinders our presence in each others day to day, but never affects our friendship. I know a lot about him, I know a lot about how hard he has worked and a lot about the hardships and sadness he has felt. He has been in my shoes. He tells me time and time again that I'm ridiculous, whilst sympathizing with my thoughts. He has worked 80 times harder than I have, and he is being rewarded for his work. Yet, instead of this motivating me, it's bumming me out.
Tonight he called me, champagne drunk and speaking in whispers (there may be another thing hindering our friendships but that's a whole other can of worms) and hearing his thoughts really put mine into perspective.
"...I have never wanted anything so bad. Fuck man."
"*inaudible sobbing*....I cried..."
"*audible eyerolling* You always cry."
"I do not! I'm just so happy for you, you deserve it..."
"(enter name here) was miserable. Did you see? I felt like a dick being so happy, like I had worked harder than him. I hadn't. Seeing them so disappointed when I couldn't stop smiling, it fucking sucked."
"It's your moment though! They get it! You had busted your ass....I mean they had too....but....there time will come...Don't you ever let that stop you from being happy because they would be mad if they knew you were faking it for them...and if they weren't they are dicks...and they are not dicks...so they want you to be happy..."
I rambled for far too long, focusing less on the words and more on my thoughts.In order for him to succeed, others had to come up short. People who had worked for years and years, people who had worked just as hard as Marian and eternally harder than I had. People who had been trying and pushing for longer than I had even known what I wanted to push for, yet I was too busy on Team Poor Me to even think of that.
"God now I feel like I need to go and do something amazing..."
"You will."
"I hope so."
"You will."
"I don't want to wake up at 40 and just think what the fuck happened (my Dad drills that into my head a lot...so encouraging!)"
"You wouldn't."
"I really am happy for you...I don't want you to think I'm no-"
"I don't. Your life isn't over at 21 dieťa."
"I really wish you would stop telling me that Grandpa."
"I really wish you would stop thinking you aren't going to do anything because you haven't figured your shit out at 21."
"I really am happy for you....I really mean it"
"I really appreciate it....I really love you, in some twisted way"
"Well I'm fabulous, I don't blame you!"
