Life is lovely.

Today I deposited $200 more dollars in my "Move to California, buy many pugs and a Mini Cooper" fund...it made me really happy. So happy that for the last 20 minutes I have been sitting here writing a list of the other things that make me just as happy. I do this sort of thing a lot, because a lot of things piss me off so it's nice to zero in on the other side of things.

This is what I've got so far...

Lists.
They are beautiful 

Calling people dream boats
...mainly my friend Olivia. She is a dreamboat.

Eating lots of food, but then quickly drinking soda so you can burp out some air and make room for more food....
All Class. 

Donuts.
My friend Brandon's favourite donut is a stale, crusty, plain donut....that is how good they are! That people still love them when they are old,boring and stale. 


When you are in a public place, surrounded by loads of drunk strangers (bonus points if they are old drunk strangers) and everybody is super messy and fun, and suddenly you are all old friends.
"Oh my god Bryan! Jordyn did you hear what Bryan just said? God that is so Bryan." -Katie Decantur talking about her new BFF Bryan (real name not Bryan).

Don't Worry Baby by The Beach Boys
I just like it, man.

Arriving on the platform just as your train pulls in
Bonus points if it is an express train.

Sincere compliments.
An elderly lady stopped me on the street the other day to ask for directions and she told me I looked like a "perfect little european doll"...I'm not sure what that meant, but I'll take it. 

Hearing Australian accents.
Specifically Australian women's accents. I have narrowed this down to the fact that when I was younger I was soothed by Australian voices, and therefore find them naturally calming. I remember being stuck on a shuttle bus at LAX airport after a 12 hour flight delay and hearing an Australian lady talking in the corner of the crowded bus just made me feel better. 

My own jokes.
I honestly crack myself up. Like I'm my own biggest fan, the other day I made a joke to myself at like 2 in the morning whilst I was lying in bed and I laughed for like 20 minutes.

"Hello" from The Book of Mormon.
Mormonism fascinates me.  So much so that I'm actually reading The Book of Mormon...the actual religious book, not the play but I do know every word to every song in the play.....I'm cool, I swear. 

Outgoing children with no filter who talk to you about literally anything.
I suffered from intense shyness as a child, so much so that I used to crawl around on the floor when my mum had friends over to avoid being seen and I used to cry whenever people sung Happy Birthday to me, so I like this quality. Yesterday a girl came up to me, whilst I waited for the train and said, "You're really tall...." and just walked away and I thought it was awesome.

Cranking the AC and snuggling up under covers in the middle of a nauseatingly hot summer.
Things that don't make me happy: my electricity bill.

Words.
I really like words, particular words....like nauseated and pretentious....and soliloquy...

Babies with really fat legs.
I mean, it's pretty self explanatory really....

Bloody Mary's.
I'm just all about them at the moment....it's a snack, and a drink...what's not to like!

Having my shit together.
Well I mean I'm sure I'll like it...some day...when I have it together...maybe...

There is enough success to go around.

Tonight has been a weird night for me.

Something very special happened to someone very close to me, and my first reaction was utter joy. I cried, screamed, hugged, kissed and mauled anybody and anything in my path. I could only imagine how happy he was, how much weight was lifted from him, how many tears he secretly shred in the most manly way possible. I felt like it was happening to me. This person has a piece of my heart and because of this their emotions are my emotions, when they are sad or stressed, I am sad and stressed and when they are happy, I am overjoyed.

One of my favourite qualities about myself had always been my ability to celebrate another. For the most part (I'm only human) I have always been able to remove myself from the equation and be truly happy for those around me. I love and care about people, and seeing them so fulfilled in turn leaves me fulfilled. I have always been able to accept that their was enough success to go around, and breaking another down doesn't push you any higher. But recently, this ability to celebrate my friends without it reflecting on my own life has been broken.

I'm not sure why, and I wish I knew how to change it, but as of late, it seems like everyone around me is succeeding. Big moves, dreams, successes, seem to be blessing everybody I know, which on paper is reason to celebrate....yet here I am finding it so difficult. The number of times I have texted my friends to complain about another's achievement as of late is borderline absurd.

I'm in a very confusing space. I want to do so much, I have dreams and goals bigger than my brain...yet I'm not sure how to get there. I feel stuck, and the monotony of routine is wearing me down. I'm stuck...or actually not stuck, just confused. I feel like I've reached some cliche fork in the road and instead of grabbing life by the horns and foraging toward whichever path seems more attractive and taking failures as they come, I'm just standing there.

I just hate how it's making me feel towards those around me.

As previously mentioned (maaaany times) I'm quite the lone wolf. I like my own space, I tend to push people away but at my core, one of my truest qualities is that if I have cared about you at some point in life, I will always care about you in some capacity. I'm very fond of my past, and I'm very fond of the people, even if I only let them stay for a short while before pushing them away and fluttering off leaving them very confused as to where I went and why I left (The answer is I don't know...I'm hoping that one day I will meet a person I physically can't fly away from, it will be too hard, they wouldn't let me and I will stay).

Back to present day, Marian (said friend who is basking in said success) is very important to me. He fluctuates in how present he is in my life, in truth he and I are at very different places in life, and this sometimes hinders our presence in each others day to day, but never affects our friendship. I know a lot about him, I know a lot about how hard he has worked and a lot about the hardships and sadness he has felt. He has been in my shoes. He tells me time and time again that I'm ridiculous, whilst sympathizing with my thoughts. He has worked 80 times harder than I have, and he is being rewarded for his work. Yet, instead of this motivating me, it's bumming me out.

Tonight he called me, champagne drunk and speaking in whispers (there may be another thing hindering our friendships but that's a whole other can of worms) and hearing his thoughts really put mine into perspective.

"...I have never wanted anything so bad. Fuck man."
"*inaudible sobbing*....I cried..."
"*audible eyerolling* You always cry."
"I do not! I'm just so happy for you, you deserve it..."
"(enter name here) was miserable. Did you see? I felt like a dick being so happy, like I had worked harder than him. I hadn't. Seeing them so disappointed when I couldn't stop smiling, it fucking sucked."
"It's your moment though! They get it! You had busted your ass....I mean they had too....but....there time will come...Don't you ever let that stop you from being happy because they would be mad if they knew you were faking it for them...and if they weren't they are dicks...and they are not dicks...so they want you to be happy..."

I rambled for far too long, focusing less on the words and more on my thoughts.In order for him to succeed, others had to come up short. People who had worked for years and years, people who had worked just as hard as Marian and eternally harder than I had. People who had been trying and pushing for longer than I had even known what I wanted to push for, yet I was too busy on Team Poor Me to even think of that.

"God now I feel like I need to go and do something amazing..."
"You will."
"I hope so."
"You will."
"I don't want to wake up at 40 and just think what the fuck happened (my Dad drills that into my head a lot...so encouraging!)"
"You wouldn't."
"I really am happy for you...I don't want you to think I'm no-"
"I don't. Your life isn't over at 21 dieťa."
"I really wish you would stop telling me that Grandpa."
"I really wish you would stop thinking you aren't going to do anything because you haven't figured your shit out at 21."
"I really am happy for you....I really mean it"
"I really appreciate it....I really love you, in some twisted way"
"Well I'm fabulous, I don't blame you!"

Night Blogging

Forever Naked, makeup-less and clutching wine (It's a small bottle, my head isn't the gigantic)

My ex-boyfriend calls me 'Munk....can we take a moment to appreciate why? Cheek bones of a chubby 3 year old.

Anyway.

So it's safe to say I well and truly fell off whatever kind of blog wagon I was on. Whoops. I wish I could say it was because I was off bull fighting or climbing mountains....but that would be an enormous lie. I was simply just feeling super un-witty and boring, which is super rare for me because I normally find myself utterly fabulous and hilarious....but alas, I didn't feel blog-y, drop it.

Something that did kind of make me very happy was seeing my chummy old pal Rachel a few days back for the first time in, I dunno, two centuries and the first thing she said was a) how hilarious I was and b) how much she was liking my blog. Life lesson chickens; These are the kind of people you need to keep around!  Not only that but a kind stranger who happened to be looking for bloggers for his business (Even after I warned him I was a swearing alcoholic!) heard her talking about this little blog of mine, asked me if I was as amazing as she said (I said of course because duh!) and took down all my information. So, welcome kind stranger. I'm Jordyn. I'm a little flustered, I make some questionable choices, I cry at the drop of a hat, my grammar is atrocious, I laugh way too hard at really bad jokes and I like to think I'm a bit of an enigma, but really I'm just a bit of a hot mess.

Now that we are all acquainted, let us dive right in.

Something I've been thinking a lot about recently is the idea that life is short (deep wine thoughts, party of this girl). I think that is ridiculous.

Tell me one thing, you as an individual, experience that is longer than your life? I'll wait.

Now as we take a giant leap over religion, let us dance on over to the corner of the room where I am right.

We are constantly drilled with the idea of this ticking clock hung over our heads that forces us to race toward a career, dive into marriage, pop out some infants, love them through life and cool down in a rocking chair after the marathon we just sprinted through. Why the rush? We are putting deadlines on things that will happen whenever they happen. We are fighting for youth and syncing our hearts up with this racing clock that owns an alarm we fear more than any kind of mythical monster or beast.

We are writing off the every day moments: hilarious exchanges between coworkers, loving meals with friends, perfect weather.In reflection, the small little things that make up a life, and make us happy even if it's for .5 seconds, don't even cross our minds. Instead we are thinking about what we accomplished in a day, how much work we got done on a task or how we furthered ourself along our pathway....a pathway that ends where? a veiled unknown.

Little things make me exceptionally happy. A joke my brother made almost 4 years ago still makes me cry with laughter, a 3am conversation I had with a friend on a fire escape in late 2011 is still one of my most cherished moments...What good did they do for my future? Nothing. But they make me so happy right here, right now.

I remember talking with an old coworker a while back and she was complaining about how all she wanted to do was eat ice-cream but instead she was going to choke back a diet pill and go to the gym. Now I understand working out makes some people happy...but she hated it and was forcing herself to do it because she thought she needed to.Would she be happier if she was 100 pounds instead of 105? No, because she had it in her head that she always had to be working towards smaller and smaller so the number on the scale would never be satisfying. We want to live this life of no regrets but the moment we do something that goes against our plan, or skews us even slightly, we regret it. We set these goals that grow into monsters and that teamed with the idea of life being this blink-and-you-miss-it blur, leave us forever pining.

My Dad has always been very blasé about death. As a little baby who can't imagine ever feeling old enough to be without my parents, this used to upset me greatly (It still does! I can now just see where he is coming from, from a personal point of view.) Recently, whilst talking about how he was nearing the age when his mother passed, my mind had this moment of understanding and all those years of taking his attitude as indifference suddenly made it read more as a feeling of being content. It's not that he didn't care about dying, it's just that he had accepted it is a thing that we all encounter and instead of fearing it, he brushed it off with an, "it's not my time yet" attitude and went about living. Playing golf as much as possible, relishing in the beauty of a Friday afternoon, buying useless power tools to affectionately name and adore and sustain himself on a diet made up mainly of steak, sausages and fries, because why waste time on foods you don't like eating. I've never met a person who was more adamant about filling their days with the simple things that made them happy, even if it was ridiculous things like not allowing food to touch on a plate or never eating a fry with any kind of beauty mark upon it's perfect potato-y surface. I respect that (Also I've noticed these last few are heavily food related...I'm super hungry...my bad).

Our buzzer could sound tomorrow morning, and tonight instead of being happy in the right now we are longing for the next. The saddest part is that the things we force ourselves to regret are the fun things! Cake is amazing, skipping work for adventures or stupidity is fun sometimes....do that stuff. Sprinkle in a few bad boys and life is good, man.

Sure, I have dreams and aspirations but they aren't going to break me if I fail to meet up with them along the way. My end goal is right now. I could get struck by lightning or my heart could simply stop beating in one hour and that would be that. I wouldn't have regret because that was what I was dealt, and the good parts of the day, those that are happening as we speak and the moments I reflect on with fondness were utterly amazing and that is what's important.

What you have should always be more important than what you want.

Oh look my wines all gone.