Give it a year.

When I was younger I made a lot of big decisions on impulse. I lived in a constant bubble of "the grass is always greener" and no matter where I was I constantly pined for what I didn't have. When I was 11 my mother moved myself and my brother away from our home in Australia and settled in the USA, which gave me two homes, and a lot of options. I pin-balled between homes for a few years, even making the move to the other side of the country along the way. No matter where I was it seemed I wasn't content.

http://www.sydney-australia.biz/western-australia/perth/perth-kids-activities.php

Home.

Now that I'm older and wiser (debatable) I still have those same unsettling thoughts that maybe I'm not in the right place, or doing the right thing but the wiser element of the equation has made a huge difference. Instead of biting the bullet whenever my mood shifts, I now have, what I like to call, a one-year-to-get-my-shit-together-plan.

For example, last January I went home to Australia for a month of sun, free alcohol and nothingness with my family, and at the time it was exactly what I needed. I needed to get out of New York, and be surrounded by people I loved and cared about. The flip side of this was that as soon as I returned to my apartment, I had this longing to be as far away from it as possible. Younger Jordyn would have begged to come home, forget this rotten American life and move away. Older Jordyn gave herself one year. A year to devote all my time to figuring out if New York was the place for me, get a new job, meet new people...get my life together!


                           

http://www.newhampshire.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/99999999/NEWHAMPSHIRE0307/110429989/0/sports09

Home.

Along the way, I decided that New York probably wasn't the place for me. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. I have been a big girl on my own in this city since about a week after I turned 18. I've had a lot of amazing experiences here, I have great people here....but something is missing. On the flip side, I started to question if moving home to Australia was the best alternative.

I love my family more than anything and every time I go home to find that my four year old brother is now pushing 6' (now over 6'....I get it Matthew!) is rough. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot, and as someone who values relationships over experiences, it's a hard pill to swallow. Time isn't infinite and the thought of something happening to anybody whilst I'm so far away will never be an easy thought, but since I was 11 this is my life. I'm spread out, bi-continental, and that's just the way it is (things will never be the sammmmmme) 

http://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/03/9b/2d/f2/new-york-city.jpg

Home.

I have constantly had a list of places I wanted to live. I remember telling my step-mum at the age of about ten that I wanted to live in London, I love the idea of living in Nashville where everybody just seems nicer, or Seattle, or Sydney.

My only hesitation? I don't want to get lost in the whirlwind of looking to greener pastures in my past. I want to know for sure, not that where I'm moving is necessarily the place for me, but more importantly that I'm not leaving a place I belong. Yes, going back is always an option, but who wants to go backwards in a life that keeps hurtling forwards?

http://students.marshall.usc.edu/undergrad/international-programs/iep/incoming-students/living-in-los-angeles/

Home?

That is where my year plan comes back in. After a year of thought and action, I have decided that moving back to Australia isn't the right game plan right now, but recently I have had California on the brain. So what now? I give it a year. I live my life with the idea that next January, California will be my home. I budget and look towards that, and ultimately decide if it's for me.

Right now, nothing seems more right... but a lot can change in a year.

Sleepy Bones.

Easy like Sunday Morning.

So how was your day?

Taken from my bed....I'm not in prison. I just have this nifty little flower window basket thing...I'm done explaining myself to you!

Oh good morning boys. You bought the digger today I see.... and your jack hammers? Splendid! Who needs sleep anyway! Oh and you shut my water off for the 12th day in a row? No problem at all! I honestly love brushing my teeth via a water bottle I stored at the back of the fridge because THIS IS THE 12TH DAY IN A ROW AND I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON!

Over it!

As you can tell my day started off amazingly....I awoke at the crack of dawn to the sound of the birds chirping loud construction workers and their even louder construction equipment. I was fully refreshed of course after my 3 hours of sleep. Curse you body clock!

I decided I should really dress for the occasion 

I call this look black lips to match my cold dead heart and the giant bags that have taken up residence under my eyes. My landlord asked me if I was feeling ok when I walked past him this morning, obviously my strung out look of utter exhaustion is going down a treat!

I then proceeded to spend my train journey listening to two girls discuss Chipotle Guacamole for 20 minutes....relentlessly....1200 seconds of Guac talk....I thought they ran out of steam at a couple of points during the debate but boy did they prove me wrong!

After shooting some espresso directly into my veins, I was lucky enough to spend the next four hours organizing shoes.....because if there is something I love!

       I call this picture- Shh I'm hiding in the shadows behind a fortress of footwear....snitches get stitches. 

Luckily for me, I got to leave before insanity truly set in and I hastily made a beeline straight towards the bar because if there is one thing I truly excel at, it is getting from work to alcohol in record time!

Another thing I'm good at? Getting free Subway cookies on my way home from said bar. Thank you kind Subway man for being the highlight of my day! I knew looking like I was dying would come in handy for something!

Another highlight of my day? My roommates words of wisdom. Love, relationships and the pursuit of happiness, this kid is good for it all.

Complainy-Complainerson. OUT!

You ain't about that corn life?

WARNING: I really need to stop late night blogging because it really is nonsense...nonsense I tell you!

It's 2:35 am and I'm currently sitting in my bed eating corn and apples...party on Wayne. 

The other night my roommates and I were in a very heated debate about communism, capitalism and the American dream (I'm not even fucking with you...we keep it political at 293) and one of said roommates became very alarmed when I de-husked an ear of corn and started eating it raw (oh, you thought this was going to be something profound? I said we keep it political at 293...this is not 293...this is my brain and nothing profound is happening in this beast). Is that weird? Is corn not meant to be consumed raw? Should I see myself out? Haters.

I just spent the last few minutes reading through the news headlines on some terribly written news website, isn't it crazy how many terrible things are happening right at this moment? It's eerie that this little blond girl gets murdered in cold blood and somewhere out there her family is distraught, trying to fathom live without her yet, as someone who doesn't know her, I barely flinch as I see her sandwiched between stories about Kim Kardashians latest booty shot and a picture of Harper Beckham who made headlines for simply wearing yellow. Life is weird, the things we become numb to are weird...weird.

This is getting heavy....

On a more light hearted note, I am currently watching The Descendants and I can clarify that I still find George Clooney almost alarmingly attractive....I don't know where you were up until two weeks ago George, but I'm very glad my heart finally woke up.

Sidenote: I don't live on Staten Island and I'm not sure why it says that...but I genuinely felt a strong urge to clarify that I don't live on Staten Island! In the words of the ever honest Jess Buckley, "It shouldn't even be a borough, it should just be an island!" 

Can we also talk about how this sign has been posted on my door for a week now? That's right I have been without water for a vast majority of the day due to construction. Speed up and ship out boys, I'm getting tired of you.

Ok fine, I'll really see myself out now...

The Sassiest kid in all the land.

 Sometimes I wish I could have stayed this little Sass-Master forever. Adulthood is hard and sometimes I wonder if I am any good at it. I think I will enjoy my 30's....I plan to have it all figured out by then....fingers crossed.

Night Bunny Word Vomit.

I have to be at work at 8am which means I'm slowly approaching that time of the night where I contemplate just forgoing sleep, a decision I regret every time yet can't seem to quit. Tonight I'm not sleeping.

I have come to realize my mind is designed to be awake during the night. It's as if once the sun has drifted away and the city has gotten one step closer to silent, my mind kicks into high gear and I find myself feeling the most content....content isn't the right word. It's more like honest. It's the time of the day where I feel the most comfortable being honest with myself. The time of the day where I can really think about what I want, what my next step is and who I want to be without any hint of question.

As I wrote this last part, a group of guys outside my window decided to blast some terrible rap song out of their parked car stereo and kick back on the sidewalk....I hate people. Literally this is the reason I know I could never live in New York forever. I like you New York, I do, but as a person who finds comfort in solitude and silence, you are just a few steps off my path.

I've been thinking a lot about my path recently.

As children we spend so long waiting for the day when our choices in life are our own. We can't wait to be able to have control over who we are and what we do, and then before we know it we have this moment of clarity and we realize that that time is now. I remember two years ago my ex boyfriend invited me to Florida for the weekend, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Holy shit I can literally jump on a plane and go to Miami for a weekend and I don't have to check in with anybody. Heck, every morning when I wake up and contemplate having cake for breakfast before realizing that I could totally do that, I have the same epiphany.

I can literally do whatever I want.

That is petrifying.

And that is why I'm so jumbled.

My ex-boyfriend once described me in a way that literally encompassed exactly who I am. It was after a pointless argument about nothing and everything. Point blank, I was being a bitch.

"You are so hard to deal with Jordyn. You're like Sunshine or a fucking storm. There is no middle for you. One second it's sunny and everything is amazing and the next second for no reason at all, showers."

I've come to realize that his very honest depiction of my being has a reflection in every piece of my life. One second I have so much direction, I'm blissfully driven and completely determined to fire off in a certain direction and then the next second I feel like my entire future is a big, black question mark.

That's kind of where I am right now.

Everything that used to make me happy just....doesn't anymore. I feel unmotivated and a little confused about what I genuinely want out of life. So naturally, in classic Jordyn fashion, I have found myself pushing people away....all people. Old friends, new friends, best friends, casual friends....everyone. It's like I'm in this period of lull and I just need to recharge and align myself, by myself.

I'm rambling now.

I'm not in a bad space, I may add. I have come to realize over time that even on my worst days I am never truly sad. I remember telling my mum once that even when I'm upset about something, there is a little voice in the back of my head telling me it will always get better. Even when I am my most pessimistic about the current situation, my mind is naturally built to be optimistic and naturally views every situation, good or bad, as temporary....no matter how many times my naturally dramatic flare declares otherwise.

P.S. Isn't it weird how your problems seem so incredibly important to the world until you take a step back and think about how minuscule you are. It's so weird to think that every single stranger on the street has a mother, a father, happiness, heartbreak and a story, just like you. A story you will most likely never read, or even put a fingerprint on....yet to them it is literally the core of who they are. In the words of that terrible 90's jam by (according to google) OMC...how bizarre, how bizarre.