Today was excruciatingly hot. I went to have dinner with my friends in a bushfirey haze, eyes burning, butt sweating, staring at the pool wanting nothing more than to take a quick little dippy. The only reason I can't really complain is that as I type this I am under a thick blanket, skin a little goosebumpy because of how hard my AC if cranking whilst my friend had to return home to a powerless apartment and is sweating to death trying to sleep.
Spring is well and truly ablaze her in SEQ, the Jacaranda's are doing their thing (as are the cum trees). I've been spending so much time outside, in the sun, with my loves and yet my mood? Awful.
When I was younger I used to really struggle because I knew what I really wanted in life was impossible to obtain. I wanted my family to be in a singular location, I didn't want to have to choose and it used to hurt to think about this never being possible.
I've moved on from this wanting, I don't think about it anymore but suddenly I feel that same feeling living within me. It's no longer caused by my family, it's rooted elsewhere but the impossible feeling of no attainable outcome is oddly familiar.
There are things in life you can change. You can cross your fingers, work toward a goal or stumble into the outcome you want. There are also things in life you can not change. Hurdles too big to hoist yourself over, realities too real to ignore. That's where I am right now.
The situation I want and the reality surrounding it are in deep contrast to one another. It's been almost 8 months of crossing my little fingers, edging myself closer and closer to an eventual heartbreak.
I know it's coming. I can sense it every single day. I beg my friends to slap me out of it, but at the same time I don't know if I can let go until I'm well and truly crushed.
