Gratitude.

                      

Sometimes I fall into my own head, it's a scary place to be.

It's filled with a lot of questions.

Is it wrong to feel lousy about your inability to help another in the right way? Is it selfish to take another's genuine struggles and make it about yourself? 

Today a lady came to me with pleading eyes,

I need a job.

She blinked at me, as I waited for her to elaborate. She didn't have a resume, or experience or anything actually, apart from the story of what she once had, memories of a past life in Bangladesh, a dizzyingly long list of dead relatives and desperation. 

Just moments before she appeared, I had been chatting with a 19 year old novice to the world, enthusiastic about her potential. A fresh faced college girl, she was what I needed, I could help her. Yet, this older lady with a broken accent and a disconnect for the position I was trying to fill, nothing.

One needed the job to help support her social life, the other her life. period. 

What do you say?

Sorry mam, I know you are far more qualified in every aspect of being a human, you are probably smarter, kinder and possess more life experience than I ever will, yet, I have a steady paycheck,stability and the power to make or break or break your day. I'm just a kid, yet here we are. 

It made me feel really crappy....

But did I have any right?

I wasn't upset that this lady had hardships, I was upset because I couldn't help, I made her terrible situation about me. 

I thought about her all day, and then as I commuted home another encounter invaded my mind with even more thoughts. 

 It was a million degrees on that platform, I was hungry and pissed and getting increasing frustrated by a constant tapping. As I looked around ready to glare angrily at the tapper, I was met with the image of a blind man and his stick hitting against pillars and concrete. My first thought was fear; seeing this man so close to the train tracks and so surrounded by jerks who aren't afraid of a little bump and grind scared me, yet he didn't seem to have a care in the world so I turned back to the cellphone nestled in my hands,

Is there anything scarier than watching a blind man walk down a subway platform? I tapped out before adding a scared cat emoji and hitting send.

The answer is yes, I'm sure actually being that blind man is far worse. 

Everybody has struggles....some are minor, some are monsters....

My struggles are nothing.

My struggles are mice....

less than mice....

Mealworms.

I need to remember that more often.

My mind is full of questions.

#1: Today I met a lovely fellow by the name of Tom (because we share a mutual friend and found ourself at breakfast together). So there we sat, eating away and whilst my two breakfast companions chatted away about god knows what, I sat there quietly eating my hash brown and pondering the same thought over and over again. It wasn't until the conversation hit a pause and two pairs of eyes were locked on me that I finally realized my turmoil....

"Tom is a weird name. I mean really....say it a few times. Isn't it weird that you respond to such a word but if someone yelled it on the street I wouldn't even blink?"

crickets.

#2: I wish my Monday started with mini cupcakes like my Sunday did!

#3: *Whilst staring at a sleeping gentleman on the subway* Isn't sleeping utterly bizarre? We literally just disappear for a few hours whilst the world scurries on around us. Our mind drifts off to a place where we can no longer feel the presence of those around us, yet the nosy red head on the opposite bench staring at me is still very much there.

#4: Life would be a lot easier if I didn't have to take the Subway everywhere, and instead got to drive around in say....a Lily Jeep!

#5: I'm very jealous my coworker gets to drive around in a Lilly jeep!

#6: I should move back to Australia....I should move to Nashville...I should move to London.....I should move to Washington....I should move to Australia.....I should move to California....I should stay in New York forever....I should move to Guam....

#7: *Whilst watching a waspy gentleman walk his bulldog this morning* I'm still forever confused by the fact that humans like to hang out with beasts. What in the world possessed someone to look at a dog and say, "Hmm....I should put this thing on a rope, drag it around the town and let it sleep in my bed." While another man looked at a pig and thought, "Hmm...I should kill this, and use its meat for a delicious breakfast food!" The world baffles me.

#8: I should probably blog today or mum will be very upset. What should I write about? Shit. Think of something....God thinking is weird, it's like a conversation with yourself that lasts forever...AHA!

Side note: My Mum texted me this photo today of myself looking like a right little gremlin. Fun fact though, I essentially have no chin which was even more evident whilst I was in gremlin form and I have slept in the exact same position pretty much my entire life....

p.s. Sleeping is weird.