The whole time I watched it all I could think was dang I want a cute adorable child to do cute and adorable things! This obviously subsided pretty quickly because I'm too much of a little baby, alcoholic, sloppy, hot mess to even joke about these things for a good few years! Then I wandered on over to Thought Catalogue and this article popped up entitled 101 Things I Will Teach My Daughters and it got me thinking that one day I may have a little daughter who starts off precious and slowly grows into said 21 year old hot mess and now I'm incredibly worried for her....so I made her a list of the things she should know...based on my own hot mess life.
*disclaimer: I don't actually want daughters*
*disclaimer #2: I should probably stop vocalizing that all over the internet just in case I do have one in the future and she thinks I hate her.*
*disclaimer #3: I'm sorry honey, I'm sure you are great.*
*disclaimer #4: Is your dad George Clooney by any chance?*
*disclaimer #5: Is it awkward having such a hot dad?*
Dear Darling Daughter,
Always remember...
- You are never too cool to do anything.
- Speak truthfully, but don't use being honest as an excuse to be a bitch.
- Don't hide the school lunches you didn't eat in your closet....seriously, that's really weird. Don't do that.
- Always speak from a good place.
- Don't lead a guy on, regret it, insist on sleeping in the hallway (?) and then get mad when next time you hang out he doesn't try anything and instead gives you a blanket for the couch...seriously pull it together.
- Don't take your good friendships for granted. When you find a friend who stays up all night watching bad TV, thinks you are the funniest person ever, brings you food, listens when you speak, loves you even though you are kind of a crazy, hot, mess...don't let him/her go...in fact...potentially just marry that person and call it a day!
- Make an effort.
- Don't be afraid to let people in.
- Be inspired.
- Don't do water fasts, juice cleanses, or any other form of "make me skinny" torture that will make you hate yourself and harm your relationship with bagels.
- Work hard: at friendships, jobs, relationships, school...everything, always.
- Don't be too mad when your brother wouldn't talk to you for long periods of time because his "phone is broken" or he is "working all the time" or he "forgot"....it's in his blood....permission to kick his ass: granted.
- Don't leave everything until the last minute (although if you are my child, you have a natural ability to fall on your feet and pass that test...so you are freakin' welcome!)
- Don't fall asleep in the woods, cramped up on an armchair with a boy you went to high school with....mosquito bites aren't cute and you have work in the morning.
- Throw wild parties...but don't throw them in my house! Instead, just break into rich peoples houses while they are out of town...I'm kidding...ok fine, but clean up....ok I'm really kidding....but, don't get caught....ok but really don't.....but be safe.
- If you are going to do anything dangerous or slutty...don't tell me about it....but be safe.
- Skip class to go to the beach every once in a while....but be safe.
- Stay away from drugs and whiskey. Individually or together....and be safe.
- Get your wild party girl lifestyle out of the way early...then get your shit together.
- Save money.
- Don't date rappers.
- Don't date athletes.
- Befriend the party photographers...seriously just get on their good side.
- Don't compare your lifestyle to that of your daughter-of-a-billionaire-friend...you will cry.
- Always keep in mind that people are too busy worrying about there own shit to notice you falling down the subway stairs, but still get up really quickly because that's gross, you are lying in a bums urine. up, up, up.
- Go and do it. Whatever it is...do it. Unless we are talking about sex, then don't always do it. The heroin addict bartender? Don't do that. Backpack through Europe? Do That!
- Don't live with people you meet online.
- Trust your heart.
- Let people love you.
- Call your Mum.
