The Lonely Girls Guide to Figuring it Out

Whoa.

It's been over three years since I even looked twice at this poor little blog, which is sad because I love having this electronic record of my messy 18-22 year old self that's trapped within it's posts. Today I randomly saw that this little pocket of my past had 874 views last month. Now, for a dying blog that hasn't been touched for years I don't think that's half bad! To top it off, I've been going through a bit of a... rough patch...if you will....

So I'm back.

For no other reason than my own sanity. I used to write to make other people laugh, or feel better about their own situation, now I'm writing for my own confused self. In 2019, I'm not sure blogging is really still even a thing. The world now lives in video, or Instagram stories, nobody has time for blogs anymore! So this is really for an audience of just little old me, like a semi-public diary I can look back on one day!

So what's happened in the three years I've been away?

I left New York City via one way flight to Los Angeles a few years ago now. I left confused and unprepared (honestly, slap that on my gravestone) with just three suitcases in hand (and after hysterically crying and having a complete meltdown the night before.) I've gone through breakups, seen friendships bloom and also crumble, had countless jobs, took my ass back to school, searched for myself at the bottom of tequila bottles, dyed my hair, plumped my lips, gained weight, cried a bit and now here I am.

I'm 25.

When I was younger I thought 25 was the perfect age to get married. I thought I would toil away at my career in my early twenties, settle down and have kids by 27.

My younger self was so wrong.

In fact I can honestly say I haven't felt any less together than I do at this very moment. These past few weeks I've either been traveling between cities for work, or working from home which means I've spent way to much time with myself and my mind, and it's crazy how loneliness can really do something crazy to your head.

I used to think my best quality was my confidence in who I was and what I had to offer, my ability to not need any other person. I was always independent and completely fine with doing my own thing. I could do whatever I wanted because I wanted to do it like packing up all my belongings and moving to New York City, or to Los Angeles. I approached each day with an I don't fucking care attitude and was the queen of just keepin' it moving.

But what 25 has taught me is I'm also incredibly scared of a lot of things. I can't be vulnerable. I care too much about what others think of me. I'm so afraid of showing weakness that I just don't try because you can't fail at things you never start. I am guarded, and apprehensive. I don't say yes enough. I'm so extremely afraid of being hurt that I don't let others in at all. I isolate myself and I build everything up inside me until there is nowhere for it to go but shoot out of me in every single direction.

I have decided to make a change.

I want to put myself out there, and figure out who the heck I am! I don't want to look back on the next five years of my life and realize I stumbled around in the same circle through friendships and relationships and jobs and nights out and days in and tears and tequila bottles and ended up at the same place. I want to figure out that rubik's cube that is myself if it's the last thing I do!

This little diary of sorts is how I'm going to hold myself accountable.

Let's see how this goes...

Change is a good thing.

Do you ever wonder what you are going to be remembered for? Were you loud or unequivocally friendly? Unbelievably shy or extremely tenacious? I've slowly come to accept that at this rate, one of my traits is going to definitely reign supreme when people remember my life...

I'm a professional flake.

Now I want to preface this by saying that my flakiness is most certainly unintentional (well...most of the time.) I've come to notice that I'm simply someone who has a lot going on, or I get hungry and forget my plans...or I fall asleep and nap right through them or like...maybe butterfly flutters by and I wander off in search of it. It could be down to a number of reasons but when you reach a point in your life where people just expect you to not show up, maybe it's time to change. So I've decided to make a list of five things I genuinely, wholeheartedly promise to improve on!

Now obviously the first thing on the list is my flakiness. I don't want to be that friend that leaves someone sitting at a bar for an hour waiting for me, or who opens their phone to 45 angry text messages and 3 strongly worded voicemails. But I'll even do you one better...

2) I promise to make an effort to make plans. This has been an issue my entire life, when it comes to reaching out, I'm pretty crap. I've always been that friend who bobs along to the beat of my friends drum. I love spending time by myself, doing my own thing, so when I don't have plans I'm generally quite content to go about my business. I've come to realize that this isn't always fair to those around me. It shouldn't always be up to others to make the first call,sometimes I should be the one to reach out first.

3) I promise to not order from Seamless more than twice a week! Now for those who know me, this is a huge deal! As previously documented, I've been trying to teach myself how to cook and to say it has been a mission is quite an understatement. More often than not, I'll end my cooking venture annoyed and frustrated and a short 30 minutes later my Seamless order arrives, cooked food in the trash and money wasted.

4) Push myself a little more. I've noticed that I'm the kind of person that falls into a routine very easily. I get comfortable doing the same thing with the same people, going to a job I don't necessarily love and rotating back around to do it again. I am moving to California very shortly, and this one is more of a goal for when this happens but why start then when I can start right now. I want to promise myself to try things that I am interested in and follow those trials through. For example I started doing barre classes a while back and loved it, but a few weeks later I stopped going and my interest had faded away, why? Because I get lazy and comfortable. I want to snap out of this habit. I want to take my interests and follow them through, with no real destination in mind. I want to be a person who has true hobbies and things they enjoy other than taking naps, going to brunch and eating Mexican food while checking out dads.

5)Organize my life. My entire life I have always been a very organized person trapped inside the body of a complete mess. I've always wanted to be that person who had it all together, the person who had 3 smaller bags insider their big bag to compartmentalize their life....instead I'm the person who shoves it all in a pile and hopes for the best. The worst part is, when I keep a tidy apartment and try and stick to a schedule I actually feel 20x better. So that is my final resolution, to find order in all of my madness.

...ughhh.....

......wish me luck.