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The UTI Diaries.

Friday, June 28, 2024


Live from a bathtub near you...it's Friday Night!



Things I planned to do this evening:
  • Walk my Dog
  • Go out to Dinner
  • I dunno....stand up?
Things I actually did this evening:
  • Splished
  • Splashed
  • Listened to Bags by Clairo on repeat whilst I floated around my bathtub drinking a premixed boxed Margarita straight from the cask like a god damn hooligan.
I've been Jordy McAboutToRipMyOrgansOut and this has been our Friday night newscast.



Catch-yas.












 

Rip me out the plastic I been actin'....literally exactly the same.

Thursday, June 27, 2024


I am a nostalgic ass bitch (just ask the bottle of Maine beach sand in a Poland Spring bottle that has taken up residence in my Mum's house for the last 13 years!)

The good thing about spouting rubbish to this here blog for the last decade of my life is that when my nostalgic bones start to rattle, I can go back to exact moments in time and assess every dumbass thought that once resided in my dumbass brain.

This evening I happened to be having a little look back over some posts and noticed that 10 years ago today, 20 year old Jordan was riding a real wave of joy and made a post she joyfully titled Life is Lovely about all the things she was loving at that point in time (talking in third person portion of the blog is now over).

I found the list quite funny due to how little of the shit on it meant anything to me anymore. Apparently old me loved a donut, yet I now can't remember the last time I had one. I raved about hearing Australian accents in the wild again yet now I have lived back in Australia for five years so this no longer fusses me at all. Catching a well timed train? Now I don't live in New York, this is no longer one of life's great joys. Not everything had expired though, I still love a baby with some fat ol' legs but still, it felt time to give this list a 2024 revamp so in ten years time when I'm FORTY YEARS OLD, I can laugh at myself some more. 

 My new electric toothbrush that has a dentist recommended timer.
That's right baby! 30 year old me is a boring ass bitch! I am obsessed with my toothbrush and the utter praise kink joy I feel when it makes it's little mrhhh mrhh to let me know I'm killing the game and all the dentists in the world are proud of me.

Survivor.
 I would absolutely love to know how many times I've mentioned Survivor on my blog....I would guess at least 15. I will say it now and I will say it again, I'm a Survivor bitch, and I always will be. Jeff Probst is my actual father, I could recommend you the best seasons to binge watch, I clean my house to Youtube videos of Survivor strategy breakdowns and I would let Boston Rob run me over with a car.

Chatty dinners, a few glasses of wine and a theatre visit.
Nothing upsets me more than how much I took this for granted when Broadway was at my doorstep.

Being 30.
I love being 30. I love telling people I'm 30. I want to be 30 forever. I think it sounds so adult and fabulous. Jenna Rink took over my body the day I turned 30, she is now me and I am her, shove some chopsticks in my hair and let's Razzle out my dudes (I was about 10 years to early on the dating a Ranger thing which is a bit of a bummer but we move....)
Spending too much time aimlessly scrolling Tiktok.
I feel like everyone is always chatting shit about how they need to wake up earlier, or spend less time on their phones, or stop wasting too much time on Tiktok. I am not that person. I love laying in my bed in the morning procrastinating, and seeing people surprising their grandparents with sleepovers, elderly couples dancing to Untouched by The Veronicas, a cute ass baby perplexed why his swaddled little sister has no arms and a techno-remix of my boy Ander Dingus adding his candy to the salad bowl all in the space of 30 seconds. I think humans are funny, I like crying at strangers joy and my love language is oversharing Tiktoks with zero shame, deal with it.

Enjoying my Job.
Honestly, completely underrated. I love my job, I love my boss, I love working from home most of the week and clicky-clacking on my keyboard all day whilst singing my little heart out. I love the people I work with, I love my new 9 day fortnight. I love my salary. I love being good at what I do. I love having a little gossip over teams. I love going downstairs to stress water the reception plants when I need a break. All in all 10/10 would recommend.

CeraVe Oil Cleanser.
Nothing is more annoying than looking back at my 20's and the large amount of cash I dropped on extensive skincare routines that did more harm than good before discovering at the ripe old age of 29 that a cheap little oil cleanser and some thick moisturiser was all a girl needed to survive. Drunk Elephant and Sunday Riley, keep an eye out for my hate mail on the way to you soon!

Billie Eilish Festival Sets.
I've been listening to full sets of Billie Eilish performing at Lollapalooza on repeat whilst I work and honestly, big vibe. Although whenever Oxytocin comes on the only thought that runs through my head is, holy fuck I couldn't imagine anything worse that sitting with my brother, writing a sexy ass song and being like, "Hey, how about I sing the line, You know I like to rub it in like lotion?" 

Below Deck.
I'm a Bravo girlie at heart. VPR? Gone down hill, but still catch me clocking in every season. Summerhouse? I want to be best friends with Paige DeSorbo. RHOBH? For a good few eps until they annoy me, I'm locked in! Below Deck? Tenders away fuckers, I'm onboard, no matter the yacht and especially if my man Jason is steering it.


Friends who love a night in.
I have had many cherished friendships in my life, that hold many great memories, but one thing I will say for certain? My past friendships were forged out in the world and out in the world they remained. Those friendships lived in bars and restaurants and beaches and clubs, not since high school have I had friendships that thrived at home. This may sound so odd, what's the difference? I have no idea! So many of my greatest friends never came to my house, we met out, stayed out and loved each other without ever knowing where the hell each other lived....is that so odd? Very possible. Now my girlfriends come round, hype up my pup and start rummaging up a cheese boards because they know where things live in the kitchen. 

Hushabye Mountain from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Sometimes Dan catches me casually getting ready....or cooking....or working....or doing a fat ass puzzle...and listening to the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang soundtrack and do you know what he says? Not a damn thing, because he knows better, let me rock.


Gyros.
Whenever we order dinner I insist on a lamb Gyro and I do it with absolutely zero hesitation, dip me in Tzatziki baby, I'm done. 

A sneaky 5:30pm Friday dinner reservation.
I'm more than down for an only-group-in-the-restaurant-early-bird-special after a long ass work week. Catch me fed, tipsy, showered and lotion'd to the gods in bed by 9 snug as a bug in a cute as rug.

Being a commitment phobe whilst also insisting my four-year-long-untitled-almost-forty-year-old-situationship tipsy duets "If I didn't have you" from Monsters Inc with me in the back of the car on the way home.
I'm Mike Wazowski, and yes I will definitely unpack this further in therapy one day I'm sure.


I'm just a punky little eyeball and a funky optic nerve.


P.S. I love that in my original post from 10 years ago I'm talking about adding to my move to California fund and I actually did it a few years after. I'm not a big dreamer by nature, I'm content with a chilled existence, I don't have a crazy travel bug or want to throw myself out of a plane for fun, so sometimes I view myself as a pretty boring person but then I take a step back and realise that I've actually had some pretty cool moments in my life so far. I've made some fun memories and I've never been afraid to pack up and make a change. I remember the day I moved to California with three suitcases, I changed my location on Facebook whilst standing at baggage claim. I was so proud to have really thrown everything to the wind and headed on out of New York on what felt like a random Tuesday evening. I feel so content in who and where I am at the moment but I look back on my time in LA and the person who I was and I'm so glad to have been her.