It's been over three years since I even looked twice at this poor little blog, which is sad because I love having this electronic record of my messy 18-22 year old self that's trapped within it's posts. Today I randomly saw that this little pocket of my past had 874 views last month. Now, for a dying blog that hasn't been touched for years I don't think that's half bad! To top it off, I've been going through a bit of a... rough patch...if you will....
So I'm back.
For no other reason than my own sanity. I used to write to make other people laugh, or feel better about their own situation, now I'm writing for my own confused self. In 2019, I'm not sure blogging is really still even a thing. The world now lives in video, or Instagram stories, nobody has time for blogs anymore! So this is really for an audience of just little old me, like a semi-public diary I can look back on one day!
So what's happened in the three years I've been away?
I left New York City via one way flight to Los Angeles a few years ago now. I left confused and unprepared (honestly, slap that on my gravestone) with just three suitcases in hand (and after hysterically crying and having a complete meltdown the night before.) I've gone through breakups, seen friendships bloom and also crumble, had countless jobs, took my ass back to school, searched for myself at the bottom of tequila bottles, dyed my hair, plumped my lips, gained weight, cried a bit and now here I am.
I'm 25.
When I was younger I thought 25 was the perfect age to get married. I thought I would toil away at my career in my early twenties, settle down and have kids by 27.
My younger self was so wrong.
In fact I can honestly say I haven't felt any less together than I do at this very moment. These past few weeks I've either been traveling between cities for work, or working from home which means I've spent way to much time with myself and my mind, and it's crazy how loneliness can really do something crazy to your head.
I used to think my best quality was my confidence in who I was and what I had to offer, my ability to not need any other person. I was always independent and completely fine with doing my own thing. I could do whatever I wanted because I wanted to do it like packing up all my belongings and moving to New York City, or to Los Angeles. I approached each day with an I don't fucking care attitude and was the queen of just keepin' it moving.
But what 25 has taught me is I'm also incredibly scared of a lot of things. I can't be vulnerable. I care too much about what others think of me. I'm so afraid of showing weakness that I just don't try because you can't fail at things you never start. I am guarded, and apprehensive. I don't say yes enough. I'm so extremely afraid of being hurt that I don't let others in at all. I isolate myself and I build everything up inside me until there is nowhere for it to go but shoot out of me in every single direction.
I have decided to make a change.
I want to put myself out there, and figure out who the heck I am! I don't want to look back on the next five years of my life and realize I stumbled around in the same circle through friendships and relationships and jobs and nights out and days in and tears and tequila bottles and ended up at the same place. I want to figure out that rubik's cube that is myself if it's the last thing I do!
This little diary of sorts is how I'm going to hold myself accountable.
Let's see how this goes...
